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It is the biggest controversy to hit the Calgary Stampeders and Saskatchewan Roughriders since quarterback Henry Burris left the bright lights of Regina to sign with Cowtown's big city slickers.

And it has to do with a mascot named Gainer. Gainer the Gopher, who, as some of you are aware, will not be allowed at McMahon Stadium for Sunday's West Division semi-final because he is too popular and apparently too powerful for the Stampeders and their fans.

So Gainer will have to stay home while 'Riders try to win one for the gopher. But that's not the controversy.

The real storm is far more contentious; one that threatens to undermine a long-standing Canadian Football League tradition: is Gainer really a gopher or is he a Richardson's ground squirrel pretending to be a gopher?

You can't be too careful these days. Milli Vanilli tried to pass themselves off as live performers but the truth was they couldn't sing and were merely lip syncing. They also weren't gophers and that really ticked people off.

What's the difference between a gopher and a Richardson's ground squirrel? Not a lot but try calling a Canadian an American. The Canadian will argue (politely, of course) that he's not an American because our nation has oil, a love for hockey and it used to have two pro football teams with the same nickname, only spelled differently.

So there is a difference.

In fact, there are three types of gophers: the ground squirrel, the gopher tortoise and the pocket gopher (the younger brother of the rocket gopher). The common variety gopher, which is what Gainer claims to be, is known as Geomys bursarius and you would have remembered that had you not slept through your high school biology classes.

Ground squirrels have also been called prairie gophers, yellow gophers, flickertails and "tawny American marmots", which has to be the most insulting thing you can say to a ground squirrel.

One last note: Richardson's ground squirrels (spermophilus richardsonii) are related to the prairie dog but are not actually prairie dogs, according to New York Times best seller, Gophers for Dummies.

Unfortunately, none of this definitively answers the what-is-Gainer? question.

"Gopher or ground squirrel? It's been an internal debate," admitted a high-ranking 'Riders' official who requested anonymity. What the official offered was this character sketch:

Gainer was adopted by the football team in 1977 because the 'Riders wanted a mascot that didn't look like Ron Lancaster. The name was supplied by a fan, who figured it meant, "Gain some yards, ya bum." That was a big cheer during the days of quarterback Joe (747) Adams.

Right away, Gainer was given his own car — just like the Pope - so he could be driven around the stadium. Three years ago, Gainer got a pickup truck even though there is no record of him having ever secured a driver's licence.

In the mid-1980s, Bob Woodward of the Washington Post revealed Gainer was actually from Parkbeg, Sask., a place so obscure it's not listed on any map nor acknowledged by the Canadian and U.S. governments. (Come to think of it, neither is Area 51.)

Finally, there was this interesting story from the 'Riders' source: the original Gainer had a long, flowing tail while the current Gainer has something of a stub.

"Kids used to keep grabbing his tail," explained the source. "So we cut it shorter."

The irony here is that while the Stampeders are worried about a six-foot, short-tailed Gainer invading their stadium and making Saskatchewan fans cheer louder, they don't know if he's really a gopher, and neither does anyone else. It could be a ground squirrel, a hamster in disguise, or worse, an elected member of Saskatchewan's legislative assembly.

The other day, a Saskatchewan MLA stood up and voiced his concern saying the Stampeders' decision to ban Gainer was "taking things too far." He was joined by others who said they were equally shocked to learn Milli Vanilli had been caught lip syncing.

The Stampeders responded with a news release that stated Gainer can come to the stadium but can't be on the sidelines. According to the release, the Stampeders have not banned the all-powerful Gainer and that such accusations are "offensive to our organization."

Clearly, what is needed is a full-scale investigation into the origins of Gainer. We need answers, not random acts of exclusion. We need a Gomery-style inquiry or Maury Povich saying, "When it comes to Gainer the Gopher, you are the father."

As proud Canadians, we need to stand up to intolerance and fight for the rights of all living things, unless Gainer came in from the U.S. In that case, he'd be a tawny American marmot.

And Canadian immigration officials would be all over him.