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Equestrian show jumper Eric Lamaze speaks to the media for the first time regarding the sudden death of his long time horse, Hickstead, in Toronto on Wednesday, November 9, 2011.Nathan Denette/The Canadian Press

Show-jumping rider Eric Lamaze walked into the press conference room on Wednesday, his face flushed, his emotions close to the skin.

Earlier in the day, he had discovered that Hickstead had died last Sunday in the competition ring at Verona, Italy, of a "catastrophic rupture of the major blood vessel, the aorta," which led rapidly to heart failure.

International Equestrian Federation veterinary director Graeme Cooke said that further tests will be undertaken to determine the cause of the rupture, but that the tests will take a number of weeks and could prove inconclusive.

"It is possible we may never know the reason behind it," he said.

Astride Hickstead that day for the final time, Lamaze said he felt nothing amiss. He cleared his last fence with aplomb. But his last clear memory is that Hickstead took care not to injure him when he collapsed. Lamaze landed well clear of the stricken 15-year-old stallion.

"What these horses do for us is incredible," Lamaze said. "They become part of our family. ... It's not like breaking a hockey stick or breaking a tennis racquet for us. We become very close to these animals and have great respect for what they do for us."

Lamaze said he returned to Canada, not to compete at the Royal Agricultural Winter Fair this week, but for the Canadian public – and to honour Hickstead's memory. His voice cracked when he said Hickstead was the sort of horse that deserved a retirement ceremony at home – like Big Ben had years ago.

"It wasn't meant to be," Lamaze said sadly.

He became emotional yesterday when reminded of the standing ovation he received Tuesday night at the fair, when he competed for the first time since Hickstead died beneath him. He delivered a clear round despite the lump in his throat, but it wasn't about that.

"I knew why the people were clapping," Lamaze said. "I think [Hickstead]did everything for the people that were watching him. He enjoyed a loud crowd. So I think it's very well suited how the people reacted. …They can make as much noise as they want tonight."

Hickstead, a horse that Lamaze almost gave up on a couple of times because of his skittish, difficult nature, earned $3.7-million in his career and became a jetsetter, travelling extensively. Lamaze said he loved to travel.

He was an international star that had the best of care, with veterinary attention two or three times a week. "This was always a horse that we protected," Lamaze said. "If he wasn't in great shape, we really backed down."

Lamaze had hoped that Hickstead had one more Olympics left in him, but "I wouldn't have taken him if he wasn't in the best of shape," he said.

Now that Hickstead is gone, Lamaze is left to pick up the pieces and it was clear that 72 hours after the tragedy, he is uncertain about his own future. He admitted that he has contemplated retirement, and now he says although he still has some other good horses, none is quite of the calibre needed to win the Olympic gold medal again.

"I've always said that I've been there once on an incredible horse, and I would never go back on less than a very good horse and having a good chance," he said.

It could take him a year to rebuild his stable, he said, and it will be difficult, perhaps impossible, to replace a horse that he feels is the best of all time. The 43-year-old native of Montreal said he'll make a clearer decision within the next week about whether to pack it in or keep fighting and pushing, after talking to his supporters. "I've won a lot of things that should satisfy me," he said. "I think I've achieved everything I want to achieve, but I'm not ready to go yet."

He has one last dream in mind: going to a second Olympics to defend his title. He says he also needs to help the Canadian team, which is weak at the moment.

After that, Lamaze said he'd rather see some younger members of the Canadian team step forward to fill his shoes.

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