Important questions to ask yourself as English Premier League kicks off

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Three days after the end of the last campaign, the English Premier League begins its new season on Saturday. Or maybe it just feels that way.

Given how relentless the soccer schedule can seem, you'll be forgiven for having checked out for a while. The Premiership claims a total global TV audience of 4.7 billion. All those people have to go to work some time.

While you've been doing your small part to boost the fundamentals of the world economy, British soccer teams have been rendering your work moot. They spend just because they can, on players who may or may not be worth it. Who knows? And who cares? If these people wanted to stay rich, they'd short oil. They bought a soccer club because it's a more efficient way to rid themselves of pesky, loose cash than stacking it in a big pile in the driveway and burning it.

So who's done the best job of spending themselves penurious? And what's going to happen once all those tiny men worth more many times their weight in gold – quite literally – begin kicking each other in anger? That depends on your rooting interest, which I'm going to guess is wrong.

Years ago, you picked a team because you were born in the city it plays in, or like the colour red, or believe very strongly in the quality of English-bred players, or some other terrible reason. Now, your suffering begins.

In order to limit the emotional damage, ask yourself these important questions:

Is your favourite team Chelsea?

It isn't? Bad news, my friend. It's going to be a long year. Chelsea is the Honda Civic of professional sports – built to succeed, though not necessarily in style. While all the other top clubs were falling over themselves trying to find some supremely talented teenager from Equatorial Guinea or Kyrgyzstan everyone had just forgotten to scout, Chelsea gently fleshed out a squad designed to weather the high-speed battery of the Premiership. It fields the best player (Eden Hazard), the best striker (Diego Costa), the most organized midfield and the tightest defence in the league. Chelsea is going to win again. Accept it. More important, plan your fantasy team accordingly.

Do you think Manchester United has finally figured it out?

You do? This is really going poorly for you. After several years adrift, the sentimental favourites of domestic day drinkers and foreign bandwagon jumpers is finally starting to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Key word: "starting." With the additions of Bastian Schweinsteiger, Memphis Depay, Morgan Schneiderlin and a few other names that will give play-by-play announcers panic attacks, United's midfield now contains many world-class competitors. About 40 of them, in fact, which could present a scheduling problem. Man United also managed to rid itself of perhaps its most talented player – Angel di Maria – at a $30-million loss. Why do that? See above. Despite best/worst efforts, United will be better, but still a ways from best.

Arsenal has a chance, right?

Of course it does. Also, you have a chance of jumping out of a plane minus a parachute and surviving. Maybe you'll land in a swamp, or a haystack, or a farmers' market that only sells down pillows. That's the sort of chance Arsenal has. After losing to Arsenal in the Community Shield last week, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho whined that Arsenal "left their philosophy in the dressing room." Meaning it played with defensive stability in mind, rather than its usual everyone-to-the-front-of-the-room recklessness. That won't last. Personally, I prefer Arsenal as a bunch of heedless artistes. It gives us six months to enjoy Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger sitting morosely on the sidelines, slowly twisting himself into a human Gordian knot.

Speaking of Jose Mourinho, does he annoy you?

He should. That is his genius – bugging you. You. Personally. If you sat beside Mourinho on a transatlantic flight, he'd poke you every time you drifted off and then blame the pilot for an elaborate poking conspiracy. While the Premiership has a great many stars, no player is more charismatic or divisive than the world's highest-paid coach (approximately $25-million a year). After losing that Community Shield, Mourinho first snubbed Wenger, then tossed his runner's-up medal into the crowd. "It's the medal for a loser," Mourinho explained. Try that one at the Olympics. I don't care if Mourinho has ever seen a game of baseball or hockey. Someone here should hire him to coach. Just for giggles.

How much money does Manchester City have to waste before it wins again?

I don't know. All of it? Not all of its money. All of the money in the world. Since buying the Manchester equivalent of the Marlies in 2008, United Arab Emirates-based owner Sheikh Mansour has spent $1.5-billion on players. With a "b." And they're still only so-so. This summer, City pried sulky youngster Raheem Sterling away from Liverpool for a small fee – only $100-million. Sterling is good in a tricksy way. Well, good-ish. Put it this way – he's a lot better than you. He's yet to prove he's as good as anyone else being traded around for that sort of cash. The team around him is starting to look like that neighbour who decided he wasn't going to mow his lawn any more – old, crotchety and nearing the point of surrender. Astoundingly, it's time to start thinking about blowing the whole thing up and starting again. The poor Sheikh will soon be reduced to holding a Rolls Royce/Lear jet garage sale. You know, whatever spare junk he has lying around the palace.

Liverpool. They patched that mess up yet?

Oh, God, no. As much as we feel for the Sheikh" (i.e. not in the least), we feel that much sorrier for 'Pool's Boston-based owner, John Henry. His soccer management style can be summed up as, "Have never watched this game and don't plan to start now." You can imagine how his days go.

Liverpool Functionary: "We're going to sell one of your players."

Henry: "Who?"

LF: "Luis Suarez"

Henry: "Never heard of him. He any good?"

LF: "Sort of. But don't worry. We've got a plan."

Henry: "Okay, do it."

LF: "We're going to buy some players."

Henry: "Who?"

LF: "Fabio Borini, Joe Allen, Mamadou Sakho, Adam Lallana, Lazar Markovic, Dejan Lovren, Alberto Moreno, Mario Balotelli, Roberto Firmino … it goes on like that for a while."

Henry: "Never heard of them. They any good?"

LF: "Define 'good.'"

Henry: "Okay, do it."

John Henry may think soccer works like golf – the goal is to get the low score.

There are other teams, aren't there?

There are. Fifteen of them. None of them has one single chance in hell of being anything more than the best of the worst. And that's okay. Unless – like me – one of those mopes is your team. Then it's awful. The hopeless aspiration of the Premier League's second-tier clubs is down to two factors – TV money and the Champions League.

By 2017, 20 British clubs will be sharing roughly $5-billion in annual broadcast rights, home and abroad. Forget sponsorships, or the gate, or concessions, or shirt sales. That's just TV. When someone's going to put $200-million of free money into your pocket for just barely surviving, that's where you put your onus. It's the death of ambition.

There's much more to be had for any club that advances into European competition. That's where the rich get exponentially richer. If you don't get to Europe, you don't get the chance to overpay for top talent. If you don't have top talent, you can't get to Europe. And once you have top talent and a spot in Europe, your ancillary revenue streams jump, creating a permanent feedback loop of success. This is the closed circle that keeps the Southamptons of the world from taking the next step up. Now and forever.

The only way out is convincing the Aluminum King of Dagestan or the Holder of the Worldwide Patent on Pants to buy your tiny club and waste every single nickel of his/her billions turning it into a global powerhouse. You should spend more of your free time in Dagestan. It could work.

But when will a Premier League club win Europe?

This year. Definitely. Absolutely, definitely not. The downside to playing in the best and best-funded league in the world is that it's hard. Even the scrubs have some pop. Real Madrid could field a team made up of Cristiano Ronaldo, James Rodriguez and nine ushers and still finish top-two in Spain. This leaves it rather better suited to the additional rigours of the Champions League. Based on science, no English team will ever again win Europe. I guarantee it.*

Just for laughs, what's your top six?

1. Chelsea

2. Arsenal

3. Manchester City

4. Manchester United

5. Tottenham

6. Liverpool

Player of the year?

Harry Kane, F, Tottenham

Signing of the year?

Petr Cech, G, Arsenal

Bust of the year?

Roberto Firmino, M, Liverpool

Surprise of the year?

Aleksandar Mitrovic, F, Newcastle

*This does not constitute a legal guarantee. Or any other kind.