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Controller Freak

Chad Sapieha leads you deep into the world of games, covering gaming trends

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(Valve)
(Valve)

Top five GLaDOS insults in Portal 2 Add to ...

Portal 2 ate up a huge chunk of my Tuesday. I have much to say about this clever and hilarious sequel to Valve's popular spatial puzzler, but, as GLaDOS-the A.I. we tore to pieces and threw into a fire in the first game-might say, more testing is needed before rendering a final verdict. Expect my review next week.

On the subject of Aperture Laboratories' sadistic, science-loving czarina, GLaDOS remains a fountain of funny, expertly crafted abuse (though now the laughs are shared between her and a few of the facility's other artificial intelligences, most notably The Office's Stephen Merchant, who is enormously entertaining as a slow-witted sphere).

As I played through the game's first six chapters I couldn't help but jot down some of her more memorable slags, the best of which I present here in an attempt to appease the franchise's rabid fans prior to my review. Just remember to imagine these quotes spoken by a gentle but passive-aggressive feminine computer voice.

1. Science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.

2. Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." That's what it says. We weren't even testing for that.

3. Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time so I was worried it sailed right over your head. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.

4. I honestly, truly didn't think you'd fall for that trap. In fact, I designed a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through with this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I'd have dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.

5. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.

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