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(Justin Sullivan/2010 Getty Images)
(Justin Sullivan/2010 Getty Images)

Our iPhone exclusive Add to ...

On Friday, Apple will make an important announcement to the media and the public. However we here at Globe Tech HQ's Investigative Unit have managed to get our hands on a full transcript of Steve Jobs' speech from the upcoming press conference (Thanks, Apple software engineer Mikeal Chiselm! Your secret's safe with us).

We present the speech to you now, unedited:

10:01: [Lights dim. Mr. Jobs to stage centre]

Mr. Jobs: Good morning, and thank you all for coming. We have some very exciting products to show you today.

But first, I want to talk about another issue. You know, my public relations staff like to tell me that the great Sun Tzu once said: "When you come across a problem, pretend it doesn't exist for a while. And then, if you really, really have to, face it head-on."

As such, I am happy to address a very minor issue that a very small number of Apple customers have mentioned to us over the past few weeks. Namely, that the phone we sold you sometimes stops being a phone.

Well, I'm happy to announce that today, we have a simple fix for this problem. We call it: the iBall.

[Hold for applause]

The iBall is a simple, organic system that uses tools most of you already have. Let's say I'm having an online conversation with Javier Winooski of Greenburg, Michigan, who has e-mailed me 1,450 times in the past month threatening to burn my house if the next iTunes doesn't support the OGG file format.

This is how iBall works: I simply travel to Javier's home at 203 Watercrest Lane, I look him in the iBall and I tell him to stop e-mailing me. It's an organic, person-to-person experience. You can try it with the person next to you right now! Did I mention it supports tactile input? You can even punch Javier in the iBall! It's a seamless, seamless experience.

But I know many of you aren't interested in patches and fixes. After all, what are we, Microsoft?

[Hold for applause]

So we are pleased to announce a brand new product today that's going to change the way you consume information.

Since we revolutionized the media landscape by introducing the revolutionary iPhone during the great 2007 iPhone revolution, customers have been telling us how it has absolutely changed their lives. Think about it: do you even remember a time when you couldn't swing your cell phone around in the air and have it make lightsaber noises? Do you remember having to work out what 15 per cent of your restaurant bill was because you didn't have an app to do it for you? I think it's no overstatement to say that life before the iPhone was worse than subsisting on a rat-only diet during the great plague.

But even as consumers flocked to the iPhone, some of you had just one complaint: I love this thing more than my children, you'd say, but why does it have to come with all that pesky phone-calling capability? C'mon, this is 2010, who makes phone calls any more? What are we, Microsoft?

[Hold for applause]

Well, for years, an engineering constraint forced us to keep that old technology bundled with our state-of-the-art device. This is a pretty common thing with new technology - you all remember how we had to include fax capabilities in the first-generation iPod, right? Sure you do.

Well, not any more. Today I'm happy to announce the new, iPhone Touch.

[Hold for maniacal applause, panty-tossing]

Like all Apple products, the iPhone Touch is sleek, easy-to-use and absolutely game-changing. At first glance, it looks exactly like the iPhone 4G: beautiful industrial design, amazing multimedia capabilities and a screen so clear that it's completely wasted on your puny human retinas.

But there's more. Let's say you are busy playing Hyper Gorilla Rectangle, or you're reading one of the digital books you've bought exclusively through iBooks and not through any other company, and you don't want to be bothered by that annoying phone function. Simply place your finger on our new iDrop button on the side of the phone -- and presto! -- no more phone service of any kind.

[Hold for applause]

It's a seamless, seamless experience. Except for the one seam, that ends all phone service when you touch it.

Now I know what you're thinking: "This all sounds terrific, but we'll probably have to wait until 2014 to get it!" Wrong. I'm thrilled to announce that the iPhone Touch is available on sale right now.

[Hold for applause, whooping, fainting]

In fact, many of you who thought you were buying a regular iPhone have already secretly been provided with test units. Go ahead, test your iDrop buttons now. You don't even have to turn of wi-fi to see it work!

At Apple, we are always looking for new ways to revolutionize the user experience, and we think we've done just that with the new iPhone Touch.

That does it for my portion of the presentation. Now please stay in your seats as AT&T's Vice-President of Bandwidth Emergencies comes on stage to beg you not to download entire seasons of Battlestar Galactica on your iPads.

After that, please get the hell off my property.

[Hold for applause, retreat to iHelicopter, release hounds]

Follow on Twitter: @omarelakkad

 

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