Mother's Day isn't easy for some women. In the weeks leading up to it, they avoid Mother's Day stories in newspapers and magazines, make a conscious effort to ignore Mother's Day sales, and make sure the weekend is packed with plans.
This is what it's like for me. Mother's Day isn't a celebration, but a stark reminder that, after years of trying to conceive, I am not a mom.
It's a common feeling among women diagnosed with infertility, and while many choose to keep their struggle private, others are banding together to bring attention to the issue.
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Beverly Barna, author of Infertility Sucks! Keeping It All Together When Sperm and Egg Stubbornly Remain Apart, is at the forefront of this effort, founding National Infertility Survival Day in the United States. It falls on the Sunday before Mother's Day – a day when "infertile women can come first on the calendar," she has said, a day designed to celebrate and support couples desperate to become parents.
According to a recent article in the journal Human Reproduction, infertility in Canada is currently estimated to affect 11.5 to 15.7 per cent of Canadians.
Ms. Barna had the courage to share her fertility struggle with the world, as have other women. As I worked through my situation, I realized how important it was to share our story, even if I hadn't yet come to accept it.
My husband and I met four years ago, and after six months of dating agreed that if an "oops" happened, we were fine with it. After the lack of an "oops," we started in-vitro fertilization treatments. A positive pregnancy test was followed by an early miscarriage. A second attempt was not successful. We had to face the fact that we were never going to have a biological child.
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We blamed ourselves. We felt like failures. I felt like I was broken, defective. Support from our parents and their partners, siblings, our counsellor and our close friends helped us through. Comfort was found in some surprising places, such as discussion boards on websites such as IVF.ca. I realized I was not alone in my suffering.
It was time to start writing about my experience, in the hopes of turning my "poor me" mindset into something more reflective, contemplative, even positive. A turning point was deciding to write a piece on the website OffbeatMama.com, where other women had shared their stories. I am not broken, I wrote. I can still be a mom. A family is still within our reach. Today, we are making our way through the adoption process, doing pre-adoption training and awaiting our home study.
As you celebrate Mother's Day this weekend, please send thoughts of support to us moms-in-waiting. We are all meant to be fantastic parents. We just have to be patient to see how the next chapter is written.
Dawna MacIvor, 40, and her husband Steven Feltham, live in Eastern Passage, N.S. She works in communications.