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- On the man who scowled his way through the Golden Globes: “The quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now.”
- On Django Unchained, which has been criticized for its frequent use of the N-word: “The screenplay is loosely based on Mel Gibson’s voicemails.”
- Then, unfortunately, Captain Kirk made an appearance. He had come from the future to save the Oscars and implored MacFarlane to give the crowd a few songs. That saw MacFarlane launch in to one called We Saw Your Boobs that listed all the movies in which actresses have been filmed topless.
- On Django Unchained again: "This is the story of a man fighting to get back his woman, who's been subjected to unthinkable violence. Or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it, a date movie."
- "The first time I saw [Ben Affleck] with all that dark facial hair, I thought, 'My God, the Kardashians have made the jump to film."
- On 9-year-old Oscar-nominee Quvenzhané Wallis: "To give you an idea of how young she is, it'll be 16 years until she's too old for [George] Clooney."
- "I always thought the actor who got most inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth."
- "As I said, tonight’s ceremony is being watched by a close to a billion people worldwide, which is why Jodie Foster will be up here in a bit to ask for her privacy."
- "For all those women who had the flu: It paid off. Looking good."