Well, the 40th edition of TIFF is winding down. Time flies, eh? It seems like just seven days ago the 40th edition of TIFF was winding up. Time is truly a flat surface. A flying, flat surface.
But all's not lost! Sure, the bulk of the foreign press has left town, and Festival Street is now just plain old crowded King Street West. But in these last days of the festival, TIFF feels like it really belong to Torontonians. There are still plenty of films playing, loads of stars to spot, all kinds of lines to stand around in and, of course, awards to be announced – including the prestigious Grolsch People's Choice Award, which will almost certainly go to The Martian.
With all that in mind, here are some choice tips for getting the most out of the rest of the fest, presented in the listicle format so popular among Internet users in this, our day and age.
1. Make that totally not-annoying pirate sound: You know when you go to a TIFF screening and they have that notice on screen about not pirating the film and then a bunch of savvy, in-the-know types in the audiences make an "Arrrrrrr!" noise? That's very funny! And for sure not annoying! Sure, TIFF may have reworded the warning to specifically exclude any specific mention of "piracy." But that's all the more reason to make it! In fact: Make it everywhere! Make it in line for movies. Make it in the middle of movies! Make it at home when you're making love to your wife!
2. Ruin a movie for everyone else: Go to some experimental non-narrative Wavelengths whatnot and while everyone is pretending to be all rapt by a bunch of shapes and lines and exercises in duration or whatever, yell out "BO-RING!"
3. Go absolutely bonkers on the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine: In case you missed it, the Scotiabank Cinema has these pop machines where you can mix different kinds of pop into a singular godless bog of sugar and aspartame. Why not get a little experimental with it? Diet Mr. Pibb and red Gatorade? Iced tea and cherry Coke? Caffeine-free Sprite and a bunch of napkins? You're like a pop-making jazzman!
4. Rig a ballot box: TIFF is big on letting audiences decide which movies win awards. And it's always something boring that brings home the proverbial brass. So instead of plopping in a ballot for a movie that's actually playing, just stuff those People's Choice boxes with titles like Clifford (Paul Flaherty, 1994) or Decker (Tim Heidecker/Gregg Turkington, 2014-2015). Or just cram in pieces of paper with the words "Bart Simpson" written on them. Imagine TIFF CEO Piers Handling having to announce (in his unplaceable Dutch/mid-Atlantic accent) at Sunday's awards brunch that "Bart Simpson" won the Peoples' Choice Award? The hoi polloi have spoken! At last.
5. Track down your favourite star and/or celeb: You may think there's nothing better than seeing a famous person. I mean, just imagine: Your eyes are directed at a space and then someone who is a star or celeb begins to occupy that space. I'm blushing just thinking about it! A good way to meet Matt Damons or Johnny Depps or Tom Hiddlestons or Alan Rucks while they're at TIFF is to mill around suspiciously outside fancy hotels. Then, when you see them, immediately charge at them to give them a hug and a big ol' smooch. When their security detail tackles you and begins beating the daylights out of you, make sure to scream "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!"