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After touring the world to promote "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol," Tom Cruise finally premiered his movie in New York on Monday, where he got his wife Katie Holmes out of cryo-lock for the evening and carefully manoeuvred her into place on the red carpet.

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Safely in position, Tom Cruise tells Katie Holmes that he adores her so much that he will call up his "church" and have it "audit" anyone she would like for Christmas.

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No no no! Not me!!

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A Japanese fan is permitted to hug the fingertips of her idol Zac Efron at a screening of "New Year's Eve" in Tokyo last week.


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Judging by his boots and hat, Joe Pantoliano arrived straight from a fishing derby for the premiere of the film "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" in New York last week.


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Judging by her hair and belt, Sandra Bullock arrived straight from Demi Moore's weightlifting room.

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Actress Melissa George was not executing a "Port de bras" at the English National Ballet's Christmas Party in London, England, last week.

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Supermodel Daisy Lowe is soooooo bored of having her stupid picture taken at the English National Ballet's boring Christmas Party in stupid London, England, last week.

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Charlize Theron attends the premiere of "Young Adult" in Beverly Hills last week wearing parts of three different dresses.

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Actress Collette Wolfe went the other way at the "Young Adult" premiere in Beverly Hills last week and wore all of one motel curtain.

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Writer Diablo Cody attended the "Young Adult" premiere in Beverly Hills last week disguised as a 1980s wall-hanging from a federal government office in Hull, Quebec.

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Courtney? Courtney Love? Hello? You there? Come in, Courtney Love.

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There we go! Singer/actress Courtney Love attends the after-party for a screening of the film "Albert Nobbs" in New York City last week.

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As you were . . .

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Actress Mia Wasikowska attended the New York screening of "Albert Nobbs" last week, where she beat Zoe Kravitz in a game of "Who's Got the Biggest Head?"

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Mia Wasikowska also snuck by Rose Byrne . . .

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. . . And crushed Glenn Close.

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A bitter Glenn Close then brought out her secret weapon, Sinead O'Connor, who doesn't even need hair to compete and won by default.

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The painter Francesco Clemente attends the after-party for last week's New York screening of "Albert Nobbs" wearing the world's biggest pretentious-artist scarf.

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Alan Cumming attends the New York premiere of "The Iron Lady" last week wearing the world's itchiest suit.

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Canadian fashion model Coco Rocha brought a welcome dash of glamour to the premiere of "The Iron Lady" in New York City last week.

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Gina Gershon also brought the hotness to New York premiere of "The Iron Lady."

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Then the amazing Meryl Streep showed up with her husband, Don Gummer. Could this event possibly get any more glamourous and exciting?!


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Apparently not. Fran Lebowitz attends the New York premiere of "The Iron Lady" last week.

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Finally, in Los Angeles last week, actress Regina King keeps a comfortable distance between herself and the giant, anatomically odd, Screen Actors Guild Award at the announcement of the SAG nominations in Los Angeles last week.

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Seriously, this is one bizarre statue. Its amorphous biology and multiple faces remind me of someone or something, but I can't quite put my finger on it . . .


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Justin Bieber waves to fans in front of Whitney Elementary School in Las Vegas last week.

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Caption Writing Preclear would like to take this time to join with Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise in wishing all Operating Thetans a Havingness Christmas and a Disenturbulate New Year.

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