FUNNY, EVERY TIME I LOOK AT MY WATCH IT SAYS IT'S 15 MINUTES PAST THE HOUR
Charlie Sheen went crazy, got fired from the most lucrative sitcom job in America, toured his mental illness across North American for the enjoyment of cruel strangers, and called the whole mess "winning."
Prediction: In 2012 he will be hired to do PR for the Toronto Maple Leafs. (JP Moczulski for The Globe and Mail)
NOT THOSE KINDS OF TWINS, SILLY!
Jennifer Aniston's forlorn love life continued into late 2011, when her publicist had to deny the "Friends" actress was carrying twins, as one tabloid claimed. In fact, said the publicist, Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant at all. But she and boyfriend Justin Theroux did send joint Christmas cards, so that's something!
Prediction: No joint Easter cards. (Reuters)
EVERYONE WHO IS TIRED OF JOHNNY DEPP'S "KEITH RICHARDS IS MY FRIEND SO I MUST BE COOL" SCHTICK, TUG ON YOUR CHIN WHISKERS
Ouch! That hurts.
Prediction: People will assume Caption Writing Person is a man. (Chris Pizzello/AP)
HE'S GOING TO KNOW JUST HOW SHE FEELS, 16 YEARS FROM NOW
Demi Moore, 49, filed for divorce from Ashton Kutcher, 33, after he was allegedly caught cheating on her on the weekend of their wedding anniversary. Their pre-nuptial agreement was strict on the matter, saying he could only cheat on weekdays.
Prediction: Sorry, this one already came true. (MAURICIO LIMA/AFP/Getty Images)
AT THAT POINT IN HIS CAREER, HE WAS READY TO STAR IN A FILM CALLED "THE BEAVER" EVEN BEFORE HE FOUND OUT IT WAS A FAMILY DRAMA
In what can only be described as a peculiar act of friendship, Jody Foster tried to resurrect Mel Gibson's career by casting him in a movie as a manic depressive who talks through a hand puppet. Box-office numbers were low, as many people assumed it was a documentary.
Prediction: A sequel called "The Affable, Self-Controlled and Sober Beaver Supports Israel Without Reservation" will be required to cement Gibson's comeback. (Reuters)
THIS IS SURE TO IMPRESS THE JUDGE!
After a year of blowing probation, accruing new charges and missing community-service duty because she couldn't find a door, Lindsay Lohan tried to put that all behind her and begin afresh by taking off her clothes for money. With thinking like that, Lohan is sure to be back on top in no time!
Prediction: See next slide. (AP)
PAGING DR. FREUD, PAGING DR. FREUD
Justin Bieber, seen here gently stroking himself at Madame Tussaud's wax museum in London on March 15, was so big in 2011 that even he was in awe of himself. Among his accomplishments: sold-out concerts, two Grammy awards and a paternity suit. How many 17-year-olds can say that?!
Prediction: The id will continue to rule the ego in 2012. Lawyers will be on standby. (Joel Ryan/AP)
WEIRD. THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME SHE HEARS THE WORDS "PATERNITY SUIT"
Selena Gomez addresses her followers at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Belfast on Nov. 6. (Reuters)
$#*! SHAT, THAT WAS OVER QUICKLY
William Shatner continued to make a healthy living at unctuous self-deprecation in 2011, pushing his memoirs and one-man show and endorsing everything under the sun, but not even unctuous self-deprecation could save the terrible sitcom "$#*! My Dad Says" from being cancelled mid-season.
Prediction: Phasers will continue to be set to "unctuous self-deprecation." (Chris Pizzello/AP)
IS THAT A FROZEN RICTUS ON YOUR FACE OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING NOT TO SHOW HOW HAPPY YOU ARE TO SEE THE END OF HARRY POTTER?
British actor Daniel Radcliffe made his final walk down the red carpet as the guy who played Harry Potter at the premiere of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2" in London on July 7. He is now finally free to pursue new acting challenges in important, serious movies. It's about the art, not the money, dammit!
Prediction: Signing autographs at Harry Potter fan conventions is actually quite fun once you get used to it. (CARL COURT/AFP/Getty Images)
IF A COUPLE GETS MARRIED AND ONLY NINE-MILLION PEOPLE WATCH, DOES IT STILL COUNT?
Kim Kardashian attends the opening of the Kardashian Khaos store in Las Vegas on Dec. 15, capping a year -- okay, a summer -- during which she got engaged, married and separated. Oddly, the time period matched the shooting schedule of a reality show.
Prediction: The bar for fake marriage has now been set so low that Jack Nicholson will give it a try. (Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
IF THIS PHOTO OF LADY GAGA WASN'T TAKEN IN EUROPE, I'M THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
I'm not the queen of England.
Prediction: Europe will collapse, and many will think it had it coming. (Reuters)
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