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satire

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences wants millennial audiences to know it is hip. It is “with it.” It can dab, floss and confidently ask, “Kiki, do you love me? Are YOU riding?”

To that end (pause for impromptu bite of avocado toast and gulp of cold brew), AMPAS this week announced it will introduce a new award for best “popular film,” while also pledging to keep the historically swoll Oscars ceremony to a tight and lit three hours, max, bro.

But why stop there with the on-fleek innovation? Here, your fellow youth at The Globe and Mail suggest a handful of other fresh categories to reflect the kray-kray times and ensure the Academy Awards become your new bae (pause to fork over life-savings for one month of rent in a basement apartment):

Best Corporate Synergy

Fun fact: Ninety-seven per cent of this year’s major-studio films are sequels, prequels or movies otherwise tied to existing intellectual property. (Warning: this might not actually be a fact, but millennials don’t have time to fact-check what with all the Tinder-ing and Bumble-ing and Cry-ing we’re doing.) So instead of watching the Academy once again ignore the aesthetic triumphs of the Transformers franchise or pooh-pooh Marvel’s bold and brave experiments in completely undermining third-act narratives with meaningless CGI spectacle, why not pledge to honour Hollywood’s wealthiest and crassest artistes?

Best Netflix Movie

The Academy has a long-standing beef with the streaming giant because Netflix isn’t a fan of those boring ol' museums called “movie theatres.” Pfft. There’s no reason why a Netflix masterpiece like (*squints*) The Kissing Booth or (*squints so hard we need laser-eye surgery but since we don’t have the job security to provide health insurance we just slowly go blind*) Untitled Adam Sandler Movie No. 8 can’t have an Oscar statuette of its very own.

Best Wacky Female Best Friend Who Is Totally Here for You, Girl, So Forget that Jerk

Judy Greer, your time has come.

Best Industry Cover-Up

A hearty congratulations goes around to everyone in Hollywood who has managed to maintain the reputation and career of that noted industry villain who we’ll all just agree not to talk about until Ronan Farrow comes a-callin'! Note: This award will be accepted by the first person who hears about the honour and then immediately looks the other way.

Best Minimization of a Female Character’s Emotional Arc for the Benefit of a Male Character’s Arbitrary Narrative Journey

Whoa, slow down, fellas, the Academy only has one of these awards to hand out a year!

Most Tolerable Use of The Rock

Finally, we can properly delineate the cinematic exercises of Dwayne Johnson, who makes approximately 13 films every six months, separating the bad (Baywatch) from the bad-sure-but-only-if-you-compare-it-to-his-other-bad-work (Jumanji Part XI or whatever). Plus, it’ll look pretty dang smart on the Academy to honour the future president of the United States! We love you, you giant hunk of sinew!

Best Academy Awards Category

An award for an award? Delicious.

Best Record-Scratch Moment:

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*

Yup, that's me, accepting an Oscar for Best Record-Scratch Scene. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation...

*footage rewinds through the entire movie like a VHS tape; stops at members of the Academy trying and failing to open Twitter*

*"Kids in America" by Kim Wildes starts playing*

Best Fast and Furious Film

This isn’t a joke. Make it happen, Academy. #Family #VinDiesel #YouDontTurnYourBackOnFamily #Vroom