So anyway, I came back. Don't get me started on the end of 2009. Hard days.
Apologies first: Events prevented me from replying to many kind people who wrote to wish me well for the holidays and the New Year. Responses deserved but not delivered, yet. And away we go into 2010 - the Winter Olympics, the World Cup and, for all we know, song-and-dance routines on The National during Sweeps Period.
In the meantime, never let it be said that this column does not have its finger on the pounding pulse of the contemporary culture. If it pounds, tingles, palpitates or merely goes pit-a-pat, this column is all over it (except for Lindsay Lohan's New Year's Resolutions, which were not very interesting and only tiptoed into the culture on Twitter, not TV).
So what's going on, you might well ask? Well, fat. Fat people, to be blunt - sometimes very, very fat people. There's an entire smorgasbord of issues - weight, diet, exercise, self-esteem, clothes - but the upshot is that there's an awful lot of obsessing about fat. Possibly the reason why Canadians are not outraged about Our Glorious Leader's decision to prorogue Parliament is that everybody's worried about their weight.
It's January, and that's the way it goes. Apparently if you're not now making an effort to lose weight, eat better and imagining yourself strutting around, all skinny and twiggy, by the summer solstice, then you're nothing. A notorious eejit.
But here's the thing - the TV racket wants it both ways. There's the fat-porn stuff that invites us to ogle obese people as they struggle to lose weight. And then there's the cheery "embrace the way you look" phenomenon.
The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 p.m.) has been going for many seasons now and, obviously, needs to up the ante. Another bunch of shows about people losing weight? Old-school. So, to make things a tad more lurid, on this version we are introduced to Michael, who weighs in at 526 pounds. Yes, 526 pounds. That is the fat-porn factor. Oh sure, the trainers are as perky as all get-out, and there's a bunch of stuff about exercise, the mental challenge of weight loss and the need for friends and support. But, really, this is a show about a seriously, grossly overweight guy.
The series is popular, and it inspires some people to get off their butts and think about food and exercise in a serious manner. Mainly, though, it's about doing nothing except watching.
How to Look Good Naked Canada (W, 10 p.m.) is new and it's the Canadian version of the popular British import How to Look Good Naked , in which charming fashion stylist Gok Wan encourages women who hate their bodies to strip nude and then he helps them dress more flatteringly by understanding their body shape.
Zain Meghji hosts the Canadian version. He's nice and all, but the show feels like a diluted version of the original. "Ladies, it's time to embrace those bodies and learn to love yourself naked," he says at the beginning, as expected. His first case is a woman named Jillian, a single mother who has devoted so much time to work and taking care of her daughter that she's neglected herself.
Jillian tells us early on that her mother used to refer to her as "fat" and worse. "My mother once called me 'fat.' At a party, she said, 'This is my fat, ugly daughter.' " Yikes. Still, things go very smoothly. In no time at all, Jillian is more comfortable with her body - she's short and a little stout - and terrifically pleased with the new clothes she acquires.
In fact, it is all too smooth. The Canadian version of How To Look Good Naked is just another makeover show offering banal advice. "I think I'm hot, man," Jillian says. And indeed she looks well. One wishes her well. But this is mindless makeover TV. It's as insultingly air-headed as The Biggest Loser is insultingly lurid.
Check local listings.