Excuse my rant. On the weekend, I went to Canadian Tire, you see. A bit of shopping.
It was soul-destroying. It's wrong of me to be negative. I know that. It's un-Canadian and I'm working on it, I swear.
Happy holidays, merry Christmas. Yes I get it. I'm no Scrooge, but, no, I don't need more Christmas lights and Christmas lights are about all you can buy at Canadian Tire, it seems. Also, huge toasters that require taking a class to operate. I looked at my reflection on the side of a gleaming toaster. "I have aged," I said to myself. But is it the inexorable creep of time, or is it television – and writing about it – that causes the stress lines?
You know the answer. Herewith, 10 things about television that must be stopped.
CBC News management blockhead behaviour
The CBC's firing of Victoria B.C. legislative reporter Richard Zussman passeth all understanding. He was writing a book about politics in B.C. There was an investigation by CBC. "That investigation revealed Mr. Zussman had breached a number of our policies," says the CBC darkly." What exactly? For years, CBC allowed its on-air journalists to make paid appearances, and only changed its rules after embarrassing disclosures about possible conflicts of interest. Now it gives the impression that book writing is a dangerous activity. No wonder CBC News seems so terribly disconnected from Canada and common sense.
Canadian versions of Real Housewives, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette
The Real Housewives of Toronto, on the channel called Slice, was about the worst Canadian series of 2017 - amateurish TV rubbish made with neither skill nor craft of any kind. Taxpayer money funds it, either by subsidy or tax break. Same goes for Canadian versions of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. It takes a particular kind of ineptitude to make versions of these shows this boring and dumb. It takes a particular kind of a gall to do it on the taxpayers' dime.
Rupert Murdoch's attitude
One of the most powerful men in international TV and news was asked on Sky News if sexual-misconduct allegations damaged Fox News. Murdoch said, "All nonsense, there was a problem with our chief executive [Roger Ailes], sort of, over the years, isolated incidents. As soon as we investigated it, he was out of the place in hours, well, three or four days. And there's been nothing else since then. That was largely political because we're conservative. Now of course the liberals are going down the drain – NBC is in deep trouble. CBS, their stars. I mean there are really bad cases and people should be moved aside. There are other things which probably amount to a bit of flirting." Breathtakingly tone-deaf.
TV anchors taking to Twitter to allege insider information
On the weekend, Steve Paikin, anchor of TVOntario's The Agenda, foolishly took to Twitter to claim insider info about the deaths of Apotex founder Barry Sherman and his wife, Honey. What he insinuated amounted to outrageous gossip. Later, he apologized and deleted the tweet. Proof that most TV-news types really do need all those researchers and producers.
Assuming Netflix equals quality
The discussion about Heritage Minister Mélanie Joly's new game plan for backing Canadian creative content, which involves Netflix, was a delusional assumption that Netflix makes entirely quality productions. Hello? This year alone, such duds as Girlboss, Friends from College and Disjointed, an awful sitcom about a weed shop.
Series about professional women falling for clients
CBS's Doubt had Katherine Heigl as a top lawyer who falls in love with a client accused of murdering his girlfriend. Gypsy on Netflix had Naomi Watts as a therapist who develops "intimate and illicit relationships with the people in her patients' lives." Yeah, of course professional women inevitably fall for criminals and psychos who are, you know, handsome and charismatic. Or could this be, "all nonsense."
The smug Canadianism of Tim Hortons commercials
Sure, we're all friends here and stop at Tims to meet friends and eat bellybuster amounts of potato wedges and such. Listen, about 29 per cent of Canadians 18 and older are obese and 41 per cent more are overweight. If Tim Hortons wants to officially identify with Canada, it should have official warnings: "Please eat sensibly."
"Ask your doctor about … " commercials
Yes, it seems fitting that tuning into U.S. all-news channels should include drug-company ads that warn about side effects that inflict the ravages of the bubonic plague. It all seems connected with Trumpian excess, which is why we're watching – warnings about fever, headaches, vomiting and worse. But it's creepy. And the only thing I'm talking to my doctor about is dealing with the stress-inducing return of Amanda Lang to the BNN channel in 2018. (I'm kidding. I'm sure it will be a peachy experience for everyone.)
Fox News claiming a coup is under way
Most days, Fox viewers are told that Robert Mueller's continuing investigation is an outright plot to reverse the outcome of the U.S. election. The on-screen banner on a recent night was, "A Coup In America?" Kellyanne Conway was on air at the time. Probably no point in wishing this "coup" stuff would stop. It won't. I mean, Conway stopped being funny and became frightening.
The new format of CBC's The National
Just stop it. It's confusing, takes ages to figure out what's going on and, you know, some of us have to get back to Canadian Tire.