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TV for women: Ladies, you are totally being pranked

Me, I was totally not surprised that Brad (Brad) Smith hooked up with the (kinda) Kim Kardashian lookalike Bianka on Bachelor Canada and that they're now totally engaged and getting married and everything.

It was going to happen. Here's Brad (Brad) Smith aiming for fame and some good times on TV after a brief CFL career. Here's Bianka Kamber, whose brief celebrity, to date, was based on a past relationship with Kim Kardashian's estranged husband Kris Humphries. Like, in the arena of fame-seeking and hooking up on TV and, based on a close study of the annals of cheesy TV, this climax was as totally inevitable as the multiple appearances of the Cascade Kitchen Counsellor during commercial breaks. Fer shure.

But, you know, that climax of Brad (Brad) Smith proposing to Bianka was not my totally favourite moment on the show. My totally favourite moment was that time when Brad (Brad) said to Gabrielle, "You look quite ravishing right now." And Gabby, who is all stroking her nice hair, gives Brad this look. Then she says to him, like suspicious, "What's 'ravishing'? Is it good or bad?" Gabby is a law student, by the way.

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Now then. As we're riffing on this topic, the big news about Brad (Brad) and Bianka, combined with the arrival on the weekend of Lifetime's totally abominable TV movie Liz & Dick, with Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor, compelled me to think. Oh yes it totally did.

See, I remember reading that Lifetime, which only arrived in Canada this past summer, was now totally the No. 1 digital service for women aged 25-54 and 18-49 and, after only a month on the air, it was in the top 20 of all Canadian specialty channels.

TV totally for ladies. What gives? Is it all on the same level as the "journey" of Brad (Brad) Smith and the (kinda) Kardashian lookalike? And that junky-piddling-poor drama, oh jeez, gag-me story, in which Lindsay Lohan proved she has totally forgotten how to do the acting thing? Is that all there is?

The big deal on Lifetime this week is The Houstons: On Our Own (Wednesday, 9 p.m.) It is described, as they say, thusly: "This immersive docu-series will chronicle the life of Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of Bobby Brown and the late Whitney Houston. Bobbi Kristina is 18 years old, an aspiring singer, and the only heir to Whitney's fortune. She lives in Atlanta with her boyfriend Nick, who – contrary to rumours – is not her brother. As a troubled adolescent, Nick was kicked out of his parent's house and taken in by Whitney to live with their family. Now, he and Bobbi are in love and living together."

Excuse me? The heir to the estate of the late, deeply troubled Whitney Houston is dating a guy that some people think is her brother? I'm not sure if it's meant to be gross, like parts of Bachelor Canada (the time that Bachelorette who always looked skanky took off her shoes and ran around like she was crazy) or it's meant to be a downer that you watch because you totally know this girl is going to be rich and messed up and dating creepy guys. And what is an "immersive" docu-series anyway? It's a word that confuses me. Not like the word "ravishing," which totally does not confuse me. And I've never been to law school.

Anyway. Another big show on Lifetime, and one that maybe accounts for its astonishing successes, is Prank My Mom, a hidden-camera show that has really, really dumb kids try to fool their mom. Because they need to prank their moms to show their moms just how much they love them. Like the one where the kid totally convinces mom that the cops are charging them with DUI. If you've seen those Judge shows on TV, like Judge Joe Brown and Judge Judy, well, Prank My Mom makes the Judge shows look like Masterpiece Theatre. But Lifetime is totally a hit, so go figure.

And then there is Cosmo TV. Which is, really obviously, for lady viewers. Cosmo is not as big as Lifetime and that might be because it airs a show like Love Trap on which, it says, "a creative plan is devised to give one secret admirer the chance to trap the object of his or her affection in order to express their true feelings." Dunno about all the lady viewers out there, but me – not being a lady and only guessing – is thinking a lot of ladies would think that is totally the grossest idea for a show, ever. It sounds like stalkers get their chance to weird-out the stalkee.

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Okay, so I totally do get why Brad (Brad) Smith and Bianka hooked up but I do not get why they are totally the talk of the Internet in Canada, why Lifetime is the biggest thing and why Cosmo TV even exists.

Watching Prank My Mom I was thinking, ladies, you're totally being pranked by these channels aimed at women viewers. The world of women is bigger than what is defined by Brad (Brad) Smith hooking up with the (kinda) Kardashian lookalike. It totally better be, or we are as doomed as the relationship of Brad (Brad) and the (kinda) Kardashian lookalike.

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