A weekly guide to the wattage of celebrities in the news
TAYLOR SWIFT: 60 watts Not sure how she’ll manage to write a song about this that’s both self-pitying and self-congratulatory, but there’s good news for Taylor Swift this week. The 22-year-old singer has reportedly been offered the role of Éponine in the upcoming film adaptation of Les Misérables. If her previous acting work in Valentine’s Day is anything to go by, we’ll all be misérables in the theatre. But if anyone can coax a respectable performance from Swift, surely it’s director Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech).
JESSICA BIEL / JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: 80 watts Now that Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are rumoured to be engaged, they’re going to need one of those moronic mash-up names – Brangelina, Tomkat, etc. – to signify their place in the celebrity-couple firmament. Contenders include Timberbiel and, though not a portmanteau, the hip-with-it sounding “Double J.” I’m nominating “Jessilake.” Either way, congratulations are in order. The celebrity gossip machine loves weddings, and while your engagement has yet to be confirmed, the mere rumour of it lit the Internet on fire.
RUSSELL BRAND: 20 watts Just as Jessilake’s romance is being trumpeted, another star marriage has ended on a sour note, with actor Russell Brand filing for divorce from singer Katy Perry. It’s important to take sides right away in matters like this, and the gossip scribes have picked their winner. It’s not Brand. For one, Perry’s career is skyrocketing and Brand’s is, well, did you see Arthur? Me neither. The more successful one is almost always the horse to back in these situations, which is why unflattering stories of Brand’s behaviour are leaking out to the press. Cheer up, Russell. Maybe you can write another booky wook on the whole affair.