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Facebook, I’ve never really liked you. Instagram, that perfect life of yours is starting to look a little phony. And Twitter, could you please, just for once, stop shouting?

There, I’ve said it. I’m done with social media. Or at least, I’d like to be.

I’m Carol Toller, an editor at The Globe and Mail, and I’ve been struggling with the question of what I get out of social media – and what it gets out of me – for years. Mark Zuckerberg’s recent, exceedingly awkward, ask-me-anything session before the U.S. Senate made clear that companies such as Facebook have data-sharing issues that should alarm even the most casual users of social media. That’s a concern, obviously, as Globe reporter Tamsin McMahon showed in her coverage of Zuckerberg’s testimony, but I’m troubled by other aspects of social media, too.

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and others present their products as a way to share fun, spontaneous snapshots of our lives, but for me, they’ve always added a layer of stress. I feel compelled to be on social media and to be active (otherwise, I’m accused of being a lurker), but every post requires so many microdecisions: Is the emoji right? Would a GIF be better? Should I use ALL CAPS, or upper case and lower case? Is the moment still right for this post or has the Twitterverse moved on?

The questions that run through my mind about my public image are even more distracting. (Is the link I’m sharing actually valuable or lame in some way that I haven’t noticed? Will it betray my personal politics? Is it okay to reveal my personal politics? Should I get new glasses for my profile picture?)

Sure, maybe I should just get over myself and ignore the inner doubts, but research shows that my digital-self’s insecurities are rooted in real-world gender bias: Women don’t get equal treatment on social media. We’re retweeted less often, followed less frequently and our opinions are generally considered less authoritative. We’re judged not only by what we say, but by how we look (and we’d better look good).

Sarah Boesveld of Chatelaine captures the pressures that social media imposes on women – particularly young women – beautifully in this piece. The girls she speaks with are smart and savvy about the brands they project online. But they’re also slaves to their social media accounts, and they’re dealing with stress that for many of them turns into mental health issues. And if any of their posts bring out the trolls, a special hell awaits them. (If you haven’t experienced or witnessed the trolling that countless women endure in the world of social media, this mind-boggling account by the fierce Laurie Penny offers a harrowing primer.)

But signing off social media entirely may not be the best response to the frustration I find myself feeling. It’s certainly not easy to lose access to all your online “friends” – my colleague Wency Leung admits to struggling after she deactivated her own Facebook account. And dropping out completely doesn’t make sense at a time when we need more women’s voices to be heard, not fewer, in conversations around the country and around the world. Elizabeth Renzetti makes a compelling case for more diversity in social media, as well as Silicon Valley, in this column and she underscores the point every time she speaks out – with grace, intelligence and fabulous good humour – in her own social media posts.

As frustrating as it is for many of us to acknowledge, social media is a different experience for men and for women. And in many ways, existing platforms have been designed that way. Lest we forget: Facebook got its start as a platform for rating personal hotness, and we all know which gender loses in that particular game. Even today, social media seems set up to reward people for how they look. If you doubt that, try explaining why female Instagram users get five times as many likes as men.

So maybe it’s time to go back to first principles and start something new from the ground up. I don’t know what a purpose-built female-friendly platform would look like, but I’d love to see someone try developing one. Until then, I’m not going to deactivate my accounts – how else would I check my friends’ birthdays? – but I’m going to be way more selective and take far more time between posts, and on posts. (No one really wants you to share everything about your life anyway – a fact I discovered once after posting about a family vacation marred by a brutal bout of diarrhea.)

My new plan is to bring to social media the sort of approach that others apply to the slow food movement or to slow travel. Slow thinking, nicely described here by Ephrat Livni for Quartz, could be at least part of the change women need in a new post-Facebook world. Fewer fast, thoughtless tweets (“Sad!”) and more meaningful, nuanced communication: Sounds like a world I could happily live in.

What else are we reading

Anything about Beyoncé. After thrilling audiences around the world with her stunning performance at Coachella last Saturday, she’s set to perform again tonight. And word is out that she’s “switching up a couple of things, so there could still be a wow factor,” according to Jo’Artis Mijo Ratti, one of her dancers. You won’t be able to livestream this performance, so read about last week’s instead. Or hey, book a last-minute trip to Coachella. – CT

Inspiring us

Nezhat Amiri may have conducted a 71-member orchestra in January, performing at Tehran’s most prestigious concert hall as Iran’s first and only female conductor, but for most of her career, her focus wasn’t on accolades. She spent her 38-year-long career facing countless challenges that need to be shared.

After the 1979 Islamic Revolution, Iran cracked down on music, including traditional Persian music. The laws around this are still ambiguous and can oftentimes stop people – especially women – from appearing on stage in provincial cities. It’s also considered taboo for state TV to show musical instruments, and for women to sing or perform solo – never mind conduct a performance.

But despite these restrictions, Amiri continues to fight against the limitations of women in music. She wants clear rules on if they can perform on stage. She wants understanding of laws and the ability to perform freely. She told The Guardian how she continuously feels like she’s knocking on a closed door, but refuses to remain silent – and wants to be a symbol of hope. “You live because you have hope. Sometimes you know you’ll be defeated, but you make the effort anyway. You know you have to try.” – Shelby Blackley

Inspired by something in this newsletter? If so, we hope you’ll amplify it by passing it on. And if there’s a woman you think our readers should know about, tell us about her. Send us an e-mail at amplify@globeandmail.com.

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