For the love of winter, clear off your cars before you drive

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Visibility. When it comes to driving, there are few things more important. Scratch that. There is nothing more important. Seeing. Spying. Observing. Noticing. Taking note. All these are essential to a safe driving experience. When it comes to operating an automobile, you’ve got to be able to see the road. That’s key. Start with the ability to see through the windshield and build on that.

Seems a little redundant, doesn’t it?

Why is it then, that police in London, Ontario recently pulled over a car that was entombed in freshly fallen snow? The driver was hit with a $110 fine for operating a vehicle with obstructed windows. Had the hapless motorist missed the “you need to see the road” lesson in Driver’s Ed?

Nope. This individual simply decided the “Visibility Principle” didn’t apply to icy precipitation. It’s important to see the road, but when there is an act of God – such as a few inches of snow – then all bets are off. We mere mortals can only do so much. Send a spaceship to the moon? Check. Stem-cell therapy? Done. Create multiple vaccines in one year to prevent the spread of a hitherto unknown killer virus? Done and done!

But clear the snow off an automobile? You’ve got to be kidding. Some achievements are beyond our grasp.

The London snow-mobile is far from the last such incident that will occur this winter.

Car-clearing scofflaws are as unique as snowflakes. While no two are exactly the same, there are some common characteristics. Here is the Road Sage Guide to Faulty Automotive Snow Removal.

The Titanic: Large, cold, and dangerous, just like the legendary iceberg. When seen on the road, The Titanic appears to be more ice than vehicle. Its defining feature is a windshield that is covered in a thick frost. On the driver’s side, a small patch of the ice has been rubbed away. Unlike the doomed ocean liner, you will see this iceberg coming.

The Defroster: Why scrape and brush when you can set your defroster to one million and hope it melts all the snow and ice away? The Defroster finishes the look by obsessively squirting the windscreen cleaner. What that? He’s still using the cleaner from the summer and it freezes? Perfect, now The Defroster is ready for his day.

The Igloo: The only snow that has been removed from this car is the snow that shook off when the driver pried open his door this morning.

The Swipe Left: It’s as if this driver says, “I can clean this car with one hand tied behind my back” and then does just that. A single prolonged scoop across the windshield at eye level. Two strokes on the rearview side mirrors. One more swipe across the rear windshield. This automobile is now road-ready.

The Avalanche: Easy to spot and a frequent offender during the winter months, The Avalanche has clean windows, and even the brake lights and turn signals are clean. All that remains is a solid block of snow resting on the roof. Next stop: the highway – where all that rooftop snow and ice will blow off in great chunks, crashing into the vehicles behind and temporarily blinding those drivers.

The Peep Hole: In order to execute this move, start at the middle of the driver’s side windshield and make slow circular movements until a smudgy oval approximately 500 centimetres wide appears. Now get behind the wheel and press your face to the glass.

The Left Half: This fellow clears the driver’s side of the windscreen completely but leaves the passenger side blanketed in snow.

Of course, the simplest way to ensure a safe, uneventful winter of driving is to thoroughly clear the snow and ice off your automobile. It’s not the most pleasant way to spend an early morning post-blizzard.

So if you don’t want to do it, there is always the other option – turn around and go back inside.

It’s warm there and doesn’t require snow removal. Whatever you were going to do can wait.

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