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Road Sage

A special circle of hell for accessible parking permit sinners Add to ...

To: Satan@hell.com

Re: Eighth Circle Redevelopment – Accessible Parking

Hi Satan!

I hope you’re well and had a good weekend. I wanted to bring you up to speed on the maintenance and redevelopment on the Eighth Circle (Fraud) and bring to your attention its proposed expanded “accessible parking permit” (APP) section as outlined in our current hybrid design for that area of Hell. At present, the question is whether APP sinners need their own section, as some have suggested, or whether we should just place them among the falsifiers, perjurers and counterfeiters.

Best regards,

Berith, Great Duke of Hell

***

To: Berith@hell.com

Re: Eighth Circle

Hi Berith,

I’m well. On Saturday, we went to the Third Circle to watch eternally damned gluttons mired in filth and excrement being whirled around in torment by cold, hail, rain and snow – which was fun. In terms of the APP, what are these people doing? What kind of numbers are we looking at?

Satan

***

To: Satan@hell.com

Re: Eighth Circle

Hi Satan,

Accessible parking permits are assigned to people, not vehicles. They are intended for those who can’t walk without assistance and with disabilities such as lung disease. They allow these individuals to park in disabled spaces, as well as park in no-parking zones and on residential streets without a permit. In Toronto, for instance, if you have an APP, you can pretty much park wherever you want for as long as you like. For the disabled, they can be an essential tool for their daily lives. For the able-bodied who misuse them, APPs are like magic keys that unlock a wonderful world of plentiful spots. They’re abused worldwide, but let’s use Canada as an example. Last year, 25 per cent of the parking tickets issued were for APP violations. Officials revoked almost 1,000 of the approximately 117,000 that have been issued.

We have four sinner demographics:

  • The able-bodied who park in disabled spots
  • The able-bodied who use the APP of a disabled relative or friend
  • Those who forge APPs
  • Those who procure an APP through fraud.

Best regards,

Berith

***

To: Berith@hell.com

CC: Mammon@hell.com

Hi Berith

Those are solid numbers. I’ve copied Mammon on this. Couldn’t we put them in his Fourth Circle (Greed) and have them crushed under great weights for all eternity? Seems fitting.

Satan

***

To: Satan@hell.com

CC: Mammon@hell.com

Hi all,

Driving sins are some of our best “gateway sins.” Tailgating, changing lanes without signalling, they set the table for worse behaviour. You know, the guy who yells at another driver is more likely to go home and yell at his kids. APP fraud is a nice one because it seems victimless, but these people are really hurting the disabled. When they fraudulently use a disabled space, a real disabled person can’t use it. Governments are trying to stop APP fraud and some officials in Toronto have suggested making it harder to obtain an accessible parking permit by requiring two medical notes. That just makes it harder for the actual disabled to get an APP, so we still win.

I’m thinking we send the APP fraudsters to the Eighth Circle and then the more casual ones to the Fourth. Thoughts?

Berith

***

To: Satan@hell.com

CC: Berith@hell.com

Hi

I agree – driving has been a bonanza for us – from the pointless deaths associated with drunk driving to the more benign offence of taking two parking spots. My concern is we’re building a new wing for a sin that could become obsolete. Won’t autonomous vehicles take the “sin” out of the hands of the sinner? How will they commit APP fraud? Won’t the machines stop them?

Mammon

***

To: Satan@hell.com

CC: Mammon@hell.com

Good point, but I’m going to put my faith in humanity’s ability to find new ways to betray itself. The wonderful thing about APP fraud is that it has to be premeditated. You can’t all-of-a-sudden decide you’re going to “defraud the disabled.” You have to obtain a licence by lying and giving false witness or you counterfeit one or use one under false pretenses.

In the 1970s, I put a poster up in my office. It showed an alligator driving a muscle car that was rolling over and crushing a smaller car. It read, “Do unto others, and then split.” People who fraudulently use disabled parking permits epitomize this “and then split” spirit. It’s our duty to make a special place for them in Hell.

Berith

***

To: Berith@hell.com

CC: Mammon@hell.com

Okay Berith,

You’ve convinced me. Let’s put them in the “Bolgia Eight” trench, with the souls of deceivers. We can set them ablaze sos that when they speak, flames come out of their mouths. Meanwhile, let me know when your engineers complete that replica of the Don Valley Expressway for the First Circle. It will be perfect for Limbo.

Best,

Satan

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