How did SUVs turn into this?
Go to the window. Look out at the street. Do you see dozens of bean-shaped sport utility vehicles taking up 1.5 parking spots? Once you see them, you can't stop: a big grey one, a fancy blue one. They have names with hard consonants: Q or X, sometimes both. They are usually clean.
There was someone with a Hummer in my old neighbourhood. It was the original, Schwarzenegger-spec version, not one of those Tonka Toy knock-offs that came later. The unknown driver parked this Hummer on the street. It stuck out from the rest of the parked cars, because it was roughly double the width of a Toyota Yaris. This urban Hummer would have been obnoxious, except for that fact it was always splattered with mud, which made me smile. It wasn't just a pretty pony for the city.
Now, we're not going to deride the modern SUV. That would be foolish. Because the SUV has become useful: comfortable and safe, available with dozens of USB ports. It has become a car. And that's the problem. Where have all the real SUVs gone?
You can still buy a Jeep, sure. Some things never change. But Land Rover just killed off the Defender. And there's no heir to the Land Cruiser. The Lexus LX doesn't count. It's too nice.
What about a successor to the FJ40? Hell, even a new Ford Bronco or GMC Jimmy? These were considered luxurious by truck standards when they were new – because they offered air conditioning? – but today they're downright barbarian.
Prices for vintage SUVs, such as the Bronco and FJ40, are going up. They're minor collectibles now. People will pay for the feeling of authenticity. It's the same reason a plaid shirt costs $120 at Urban Outfitters.
It was driving in the 2016 Mercedes G-Class – with its upright windshield and vague, rudder-like steering – that made me so nostalgic for real SUVs. It is a German Hummer. A body-on-frame truck that looks like a cross between a barn and a bunker.
Under the gloss of expensive quilted leather, bazillion-watt stereo and carbon-fibre trim (we're still doing that?) is a good, honest truck. It looks the same as it did in the 1970s, even though it's been updated to pass modern crash tests. It's tough enough for armies worldwide, including our own.
The price is more than a tad exorbitant. But that's the cost of authenticity, apparently.
The Pope is a useful barometer by which to gauge the state of the SUV. He used to have a G-Class. Now he has a Fiat 500L. God help us.
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