Dear Mr. Clark:
You do not know me. We have never met. I am writing you, however, because I am worried that you might make me the basis for one of your Road Sage columns. I am concerned that you might show me in a poor light. Before this happens I'd like the chance to introduce myself.
I am the rabbit you saw hopping around the dashboard of a white mid-sized vehicle last Saturday afternoon.
You saw me hopping about as my owners played with me. I can only imagine your thoughts:
- “Is that really a rabbit I’m seeing hopping around the dashboard of a vehicle moving at 60 km/h?”
- “How is it possible that a human being could be so stupid as to have a live rodent leaping about the steering system of an automobile?”
- “What the bleep is a bleeping bunny rabbit doing bleeping around the bleeping dashboard of a car? What the bleep?”
I knew you were upset because I used my bunny vision (powered by carrots) to see you exclaiming and waving your hands wildly. I saw your passenger take photographs. As you drove away, I committed your licence plate to memory (rabbits have photographic recall) and ran a check to obtain your mailing address.
Some would say my owners suffer from extreme mental deficiency. After all, what kind of person allows a rabbit to hop freely around the dashboard? I prefer to see them as supremely optimistic. They are positive people who, despite the overwhelming evidence that driving with a pet in the front seat is dangerous, are convinced that nothing bad will happen because God favours them above all others.
They are not alone. It's not uncommon to see drivers with small and medium-sized dogs on their laps. Forbes recently reported that 56 per cent of drivers admit to driving with their dog in the car once a month, according to a survey by AAA and pet travel product maker Kurgo. Of these, more than "half admitting to shifting attention away from the road to pet their either agitated or affection-starved canine companions."
But still, you're thinking, it's insane to have a free-range rabbit by your steering wheel, to effectively turn your dashboard into a petting zoo.
Well, you're right, and I'm terrified.
According to the Kurgo study, "an unrestrained 10-pound dog in a crash at 50 mph will exert roughly 500 pounds of force, while an unrestrained 80-pound dog in a crash at only 30 mph will exert approximately 2,400 pounds of force."
What do you think is going to happen to an "unrestrained rabbit?" I'm going to fire into the back windshield with the force of a cruise missile. "What's up, doc?" I'll tell you what would be up – me, splattered across the back of their nice mid-sized car. If I survived, they could pin the accident on me; recently a man in Florida pulled over for a DUI told the police his dog had been driving. The dog had no alibi (because it couldn't talk).
I need help. Rabbits have a lot of skills – we have strong hind legs and can be trained to perform small jumps – but calling 911 is not one of them. I need you to contact law enforcement, and have them put out an APB for an "unrestrained rabbit" hopping around the dashboard of a white vehicle. If you see me, free me. I'll be happy to ride in a crate in the back seat.
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