Valentine's Day is here. Our annual celebration of chocolate, yearning and premeditated sexual congress is once again upon us.
Those in romantic relationships will desperately try to avoid a sex-preventing fight ("No babe, what I said was: 'These kale appetizers TASTY TRIP!' Get it? They're so good they're a tasty trip!").
Those who are single will pretend they don't care ("Who needs the aggravation? I've got my Kindle Paperwhite!").
Others, succumbing to sexual passion, will eschew words and, like characters from the latest Fifty Shades of Grey rip-off, mutely mate with strangers (but will they marry at the end of the book?).
Yet, on Feb. 15, regardless of who they are or what they did, the dawn will come for them all and shine its relentless light on their unfulfilled dreams and broken promises. Valentine's Day will have passed. Another day done. Another step toward the grave.
All in all, it's a great time.
But where do automobiles fit into all this lust?
As regular readers know, I'm a big proponent of car sex (the act of performing the act while in a car).
No hack has written more on the subject. I've dedicated many columns to the history of car sex and I keep current with all the latest news in car-sexery. I will do whatever it takes, even if that means obsessively Googling the terms "car" and "sex" over and over until my eyes spasm.
Do you know that adulterers are most likely to drive Toyotas, Fords and Chevys? I do because I read the April 2102 Ashley Madison survey that says so. Do you know that driving a $150,000 Porsche can increase male sex hormone? It's true. A 2009 Concordia University study of endocrinological response says so. What happens if you drive a beat-up Camry? A "slight deflation in testosterone."
Now, I don't need to tell anyone born before 1975 about the benefits of car sex. For this cohort, the automobile was an erotic enabler. Sex was still mercifully taboo. Our mothers didn't say, "Is your Grade 12 girlfriend Cathy sleeping over tonight, honey?"
If we wanted action, we had to hit the road. The car was our proverbial rolling mattress. All you have to say to me is "light-blue 1982 VW Rabbit" and I'll break into a knowing grin.
Today, however, people are more open about sex. They'll tell you anything and give you a free pass to do anything "just so long as it doesn't hurt anybody."
I understand the spirit, but I'd like to point out "just so long as it doesn't hurt anybody" is a low moral bar. I've spent time reading Descartes, Seneca and Confucius and I have yet to find "just so long as it doesn't hurt anybody" anywhere. The point is: car sex is being pushed aside by sexual openness. Soon we'll be living in an age in which people think the only thing you can do in a minivan is watch your life slowly ebb away.
It's time for some practical advice. Perhaps we're confused by the plethora of models and options at our disposal. We know how to pair our wine with dinner, but we don't know how to pair our drives with our desires.
Here is a Road Sage Sex Specs – a guide to matching the love you want with the ride you have. Consider it the first salvo in the fight to save car sex!
Movers and Shakers
2014 Audi A8
Upside: Women find Audi drivers the sexiest, at least according to a 2012 survey commissioned by the British insurance company Confused.com. So, if you have an Audi and you're a man all you need is a woman.
Downside: It comes in many colours, including "Oolong Grey Metallic."
Note: You'll need to be very secure if you're going to choose the "Oolong."
Tip: Eye contact.
2012 Toyota Prius V
Upside: Good for make-up sex. The Prius provides feuding lovers with common ground – you both want to save the planet and you're willing to make any sacrifice – even if that means buying a Prius.
Downside: Its roomy interior will remind you of a walk-in clinic.
2012 Dodge Grand Caravan
Upside: Lots of seat space for maximum variety. Fun!
Downside: You know how they say: "If the van is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'." It's true, but when they say this about a Grand Caravan, they mean its owner has locked himself inside and is suffering from generalized anxiety.
Tip: Bring flowers.
2012 Mini Cooper
Upside: According to the Confused.com survey, these are man magnets. So if you like men, this one's for you. Its compact size makes them feel they measure up in the love department.
Downside: Remember how romantic it was when Christian Grey said, "I've never wanted more, until I met you." That's not going to happen to you.
Tip: Avoid using transitive verbs.
2013 Honda Civic Sedan
Upside: Nothing says, "We've dispassionately negotiated the act of sexual congress" like a Honda Civic.
Downside: Five-speed automatic transmission can be a passion killer.
Tip: This too shall pass.
2012 Mercedes Benz C-Class
Upside: This car is perfect for any amorous encounter. It works whether you're with a partner or craving a little me time (and want to quietly read a Harlequin).
Downside: It's not a 2013 Mercedes Benz CL-Class.
Tip: If you own one of these you don't need any tips from me.
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy