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I'm looking into anointing the "World's Greatest Driver." Not to be confused with the "Greatest Driver in the World" or the much-derided "Best Driver in the World" (the bronze medal of best driver accomplishment). Sure, it's okay being the "Best Driver on Earth" but that's only a planet – the world is the planet and all the stuff on it that moves around. The world is the tops.

Right now you're wondering: How can I apply? How do I get to be the "World's Greatest Driver?"

Ease up, Senna. You don't win the title just by throwing your name into a hat. It takes time, driving and a whole lot of greatness – enough driving greatness to fill an entire world.

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Can you imagine what it takes? How fantastic you have to be in order to be crowned the World's Greatest Driver? "Amazingly incredible" doesn't even begin to approach it. "Super terrifically fabulous" starts to come close.

We're talking about the Bruce Lee of Driving. The Shakespeare of the Steering Wheel. The Beatles of the Brake. The Albert Einstein of the Passing Lane. The Joe Montana of the Gas Pedal.

We're talking about someone who has never lost his or her temper at a red light or been in a fender bender. No tickets. No dents. The oil never needs changing because the "World's Greatest Driver" knows instinctively when to change it. It boggles the mind.

The "World's Greatest Driver" always:

  • Signals when turning.
  • Is courteous to fellow motorists, cyclists and pedestrians.
  • Follows all laws even when no one is looking.

The "World's Greatest Driver" never:

  • Even thinks about running a yellow light.
  • Texts while driving (not even at a red light).
  • Cuts anyone off, ever.

How many of us can meet all of these very rudimentary stipulations? How many drivers are without sin, perhaps one not listed here? How many have never cut anyone off, even by accident? Optimistically, let's say, none. That's why I've decided to start with something more attainable. That's why I've decided to put my initial search on hold.

I started looking for the "World's Most Okay Driver." Not to be confused with "Okay Driver of the World" or the much-derided "Fairly Good Driver in the World" (the bronze medal of mediocre driver accomplishment). Sure, it's okay being the "Most Adequate Driver on Earth" but that's only a planet – the world is a planet and all the stuff on it that moves around.

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The "World's Most Okay Driver" always:

  • Signals at some point when changing lanes. Could be before, could be during, could be a few minutes after but at some point the signal goes on.
  • Puts his phone down after he’s sent a text. He doesn’t drive around staring at the screen.
  • Doesn’t run yellow lights. As he approaches the intersection he removes his foot from the accelerator and if his vehicle passes through as yellow turns to red – so be it – it’s destiny.

The "World's Most Okay Driver" never:

  • Eats a bowl of cereal or a Philly Cheese Steak while driving but drinks without straws and pizza are permissible.
  • Speeds unless he is late.
  • Follows some laws all of the time and all laws some of the time.

Seems a more grounded search, right? How hard is it to be "okay" at something? I hit the road to do some reconnaissance and see what possible candidates were out there. It was not encouraging.

How many of us meet all of these very attainable goals? How many drivers have never eaten a Philly Cheese Steak while driving or forgotten to signal when changing lanes? If my research is to be believed, let's say, six. The low bar is high. That's why I've decided to start with something more attainable. That's why I've decided to put my secondary search on hold.

I'm now looking for the "World's Least Egregiously Incompetent Driver." Not to be confused with "Least Egregious Driver in the World" or the much-derided "Least Dishearteningly Egregious Driver in the World" (the bronze medal of incompetent driving). Sure, it's okay being the "Least Egregiously Incompetent Driver on Earth" but that's only a planet – the world is a planet and all the stuff on it that moves around. The world is the tops.

The "World's Least Egregiously Incompetent Driver" always:

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  • Signals when turning. Sometimes he gives you the finger. Sometimes he makes the “up yours” gesture with his hand and elbow.
  • Tailgates because he is a great communicator and tailgating communicates his desire for you to get out of his way.
  • Eats while driving, unless he is texting.

The "World's Least Egregiously Incompetent Driver" never:

  • Runs a stop sign.
  • Uses less than one parking space.
  • Hesitates – because he is lost.

There you have it. Intuition and experience tell me this is going to be a much easier quest. If you have any criteria to add send them in. My search begins today. I'm confident about my chance of finding a champion.

Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

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