Did you know that there is an "Adventure Summer Camp" for kids about to be offered near where I work? It's a great deal and there are many "camp highlights" to look forward to. For instance, participants will receive an official summer camp T-shirt and there will be a low "camper to counsellor ratio" (10:1). It's fantastic. Amazing.
What's even more incredible is that I was almost totally unaware of this terrific opportunity. I might have missed it, if it weren't for the kind individual who placed an "Adventure Summer Camp" leaflet on my Camry's windshield.
This person really wanted me to know about the Adventure Summer Camp – he is committed to me being able to take full advantage of this great deal – because the following day he left another leaflet on my car. It poured rain all that day so the leaflet stuck to my windshield and I had to rub the gluey mess off with an ice scraper while a deluge dropped down on me. No problem! I was grateful for the valuable information.
I'm super-charged about this great opportunity that I would have missed had a leaflet not be jammed under my windshield wiper repeatedly day after day. I'm even considering siring more children so that I can enroll them in this fantastic adventure camp. This deal is too good to waste.
I suppose this is the reaction that is desired by the miscreants who hire poor unfortunate souls to walk the earth lifting windshield wipers and slapping down flyers. They must have some end game in mind. Car leafleting is meant to drive business. It's a form of advertising. It's supposed to make you want the product, not fantasize about hitting the person who placed it there on the side of the head with a jar of pickles.
Has anyone ever reached down and removed a windshield correspondence and thought: "Hey, today's the day I get my fortune told!" Has anyone picked up a shiny advertisement for some great club, replete with the image of a half-naked woman, and decided, "Forget work. I'm going to the Eurodance Cave Bohemian Ibiza Electro Jam with DJ Thomas C all the way from Glasgow."
I'm going with no.
Here's what I experience each time I find a brightly coloured leaflet on my windshield.
First thought: "What? I got a ticket?"
Then I read the leaflet – to see if it's a ticket.
Sometimes it's for a service that is unsavoury. "Emperor's Club VIP Executive Massage. 100% VIP Relaxation. Stress RELEASE. For Executives, VIPs and Non-Executives. Cash only."
Or it's for a good or service that I would never be interested in – fortune telling, yoga, the above-mentioned dance club parties.
If it's for something I might actually try, the fact that it's being pitched to me via my windscreen automatically eliminates it.
I'm not going to pick up a leaflet that says "Babysitter available. Do you have a car and possibly a baby? Call me, the person who placed this leaflet on your windscreen without your permission and I will come to your house and look after your vulnerable children. References available upon request. Simply park here tomorrow and they will be placed under your windshield wipers."
I wonder if it is even legal to leave a flyer on someone's vehicle? No one asks to have their windshield wiper hoisted and a piece of paper placed underneath it. Isn't this an invasion of property?
Do I need to hand-write a "No Flyers" sign and leave it on my dashboard? The godless zombies who deliver this junk would just ignore it. Does anyone think they care? Still, I don't blame them. They need money. They are just the instrument of the vile act. It's the people who send them out I want punished.
Are there worse acts than car leafleting being committed? Are there greater transgressions? Absolutely, just open a newspaper. The depth and breadth of iniquity is boundless. But these flyers are a pointless waste of paper and a crime against drivers. Most evil we can't prevent. This we can put an end to.
I suggest that the government hire thousands of folks to walk around removing flyers and leaflets from car windshields. Eradicate the flyer blight. Fight it the way governments fight graffiti. Immediate intervention. Either that or force companies that leaflet to leave a lottery ticket with each flyer they deposit.
Anyway, that's all the thinking I have time for. Must get out there and register the kids in "Adventure Summer Camp." Got to make sure we get those free T-shirts the leaflets told me about.
I will not let this opportunity go to waste.
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy