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Busy morning traffic on Yonge St. in downtown Toronto. (File photo) (Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
Busy morning traffic on Yonge St. in downtown Toronto. (File photo) (Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

Road Sage

Near misses - on the road and in love Add to ...

Last week, a Toronto driver used Craigslist's Missed Connections to apologize to a cyclist he’d accidentally “doored” while leaving a taxi. It made the news and went viral on the web. It got the marketing people thinking.

Hot off the success of this mea culpa, Craigslist is pleased to announce Missed Collisions, a way for frustrated motorists to reach out. If you’re in the wrong, you can apologize for your poor driving or, if you’re the injured party, you can post your near-death experience. If luck is on your side, you’ll get to say all the things you screamed in the safety of your car into the face of an actual person.

Enjoy Missed Collisions.

Where’s my lane-changing Prince? M4M – (Oshawa) You were driving a 2005 Mazda3. I was driving a Cooper Mini. I was in the right lane. You were in the left. Then you cut suddenly in front of me without signalling and I almost broadsided you. WTF?

I spilled my coffee all over my new pants. Is there any way we can meet up some place so I can punch you in the face? Let me know!

Memories of 1999 F4D – (Montreal area) It’s been more than 13 years since you hit my car in the parking lot of the Plaza Cote-Des-Neiges.

You took off and didn’t leave a note, but a guy who saw you hit my motionless and defenseless brand-new Ford Explorer Limited edition 4x4 V-6 said you were driving a Ford F-150.

He didn’t get your licence plate but I just want you to know I’m still looking for you. Please contact me.

10-4 Good Buddy – Trucker – MV4TRK – (the 401 between Belleville and Kingston) Are you free for a candlelit dinner this weekend?

I’d like to meet so you could tell me when they passed a law making it illegal to pass trucks. I figure it must be illegal, otherwise, why did you have to aggressively accelerate every time I tried to pass you. What’s the matter? You drive an 18-wheeler. How can you be so insecure?

Where is my two-wheeled Angel? Drvr4Bkr – (Vancouver) Last Wednesday afternoon at Granville and West 49 Street, I was making a legal left turn. You were riding your bicycle the wrong way on the wrong side of the street. You came right out of my blind spot and I almost ran you over.

Wanna go hang-gliding this weekend with 20-pound dumbbells strapped to our belts or skydiving with Second World War-era parachutes?

Those activities are almost as dangerous as the stunt you pulled!

Don’t leave me hanging! Iced caps are on me!

To my fleet-footed friend Drvr4Wlkr – (Oakville) I was turning right. I’d begun my turn. You sprinted 15 feet and ran right in front of my car. Why? It seems so dumb. I’m having trouble sleeping. Your futile act is all I can think about. Please contact me. I need to know.

My Bad - VW4Lexus – (Calgary) The other day when I was parallel parking my VW 2010 Polo, your parked Lexus RX450 Hybrid got too close to my VW and it got a two-foot scratch on its side as a result.

When I saw that your car had scratched itself on mine while I was parking, I decided it would be best if I found another place to park. So I left. Sorry.

We yelled at each other in front of our kids – SUV4SUV – (Mississauga) I’m not sure about yours, but my kids are still crying.

We were just two moms both dropping off our little ones at school and I accidentally came close to causing a fender-bender so you proceeded to scream a string of profanity at me the likes of which I’ve never heard before.

Can you really put that there?

So I got mad and hurled venom back at you. Meanwhile, our traumatized children had meltdowns.

Anyway, if your kids are between the ages of six and nine, let’s get together for a play date.

Just marking my territory – P4U – (Halifax) It was Thursday night and I’d had one too many.

Long story short – I peed on your Dodge Dart.

It’s called vehicular manslaughter – W4Auto – (Edmonton) I was walking across the street. You were sending a text. You almost ran me over.

Do me a favour. Right now, I want you to get up and walk across your living room. Pull open the curtain and look out.

Can you see me standing on your front lawn? Right about now, you’re wondering, “Why is he standing next to my car with a baseball bat?”

Next time I’ll bring the Liquid Plumber – BMW4Sunfire – (Gardiner Expressway) You were wearing a Maple Leafs baseball cap as you drove 75 km/h in the passing lane.

Despite entreaties from numerous drivers, you would not budge and snailed along, causing chaos.

Could you not hear everyone honking at you?

At least I know that, because you are a Leafs fan, you are destined for a life of unhappiness.

Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

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