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Acid flashback: Jay Leno's head is really, really freaking you out. Market flashback: Your stocks are sinking like they did during the financial crisis. With China trying to cool its sizzling economy and the U.S. clamping down on banks, Canada's benchmark index suffered its biggest weekly drop since October. Bad trip, man.

A poem about JPMorgan Chase :

There once was a dude named Obama Who caused quite a financial drama When he scolded the banks Their share prices tanked And investors went running to momma.

Upside of going to prison: 1) Supportive, caring environment; 2) Kick-ass meatloaf; 3) No access to your discount broker, so you can't lose money on stocks like Corrections Corp. of America . Shares of the largest U.S. private prison operator dropped after Arizona proposed budget cuts that will likely force the company to close two out-of-state facilities.

Money-saving tip No. 322: Instead of installing an expensive security system, keep burglars away by smearing the outside of your home with raccoon manure. Or you could just send a cheque to Brink's Home Security , whose stock jumped after it was acquired for $2-billion by Tyco International, which plans to merge the company with its ADT unit.

When we were little, we wanted to be a doctor. "But doctors are smart, son," momma would say. Thank goodness some people made it to med school, or nobody would know how to operate the robotically assisted surgical machines made by Intuitive Surgical . The shares rose after the company posted impressive fourth-quarter profit and hiked its 2010 forecast.

Intuitive Surgical

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About the Author
Investment Reporter and Columnist

John Heinzl has been writing about business and investing since 1990. A native of Hamilton, he earned a master's degree from the University of Western Ontario's Graduate School of Journalism and completed the Canadian Securities Course with honours. More

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