Skip to main content

The Globe and Mail

The Globe’s stars and dogs for the week

stars and dogs

The Globe's stars and dogs for the week

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Canadian Dollar (Star)

My three ideas for raising the value of the Canadian dollar: 1) Put an image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau on every bill; 2) Print the 20 on THC-impregnated paper; 3) Raise interest rates. For some reason, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz went with the last option. Borrrrrrrrring!

Dollar, 78.91 cents (U.S.), up 1.31 cents or 1.7% over week.


Alimentation Couche-Tard (Star)

The difference between losers and winners is thinking big. For instance, when I go to the convenience store, I grab potato chips and People magazine. But when Couche-Tard goes to the convenience store, it buys the whole darn store. Result: I'm fat and vacuous; Couche-Tard is rich and getting richer.

Story continues below advertisement

ATD.B (TSX), $61.88, up $2.60 or 4.4% over week.


Manulife Financial (Star)

Nearly 14 years ago, Manulife purchased John Hancock with one overwhelming goal in mind: To corner the market for phallus-related insurance humour. Unfortunately, the master plan hasn't worked out as well as hoped. As a result, Manulife is said to be pondering a, um, downsizing of its U.S. member. Problem solved.

MFC (TSX), $25.23, up 22 cents or 0.9% over week.


Bitcoin (Dog)

Oh, great. Bitcoin's appeal was always a mystery. But now, rival factions are warring over the cryptocurrency's future. Unless they agree by month-end, the currency we never understood could split into two currencies we'll never understand. You see the problem, don't you? Good, maybe you can explain it to me.

Bitcoin, $2,159.06 (U.S.), down $355.81 or 14.1% over week.


JPMorgan Chase (Dog)

Poor Jamie Dimon. The JPMorgan boss lit up an analysts' call on Friday with a furious tirade about how too many rules are holding back the mighty U.S. banking sector – you know, the sector that nearly sank the world into a great depression just a few years ago. Maybe he's just upset his stock isn't getting more love.

JPM (NYSE), $92.25 (U.S.), down $1.60 or 1.7% over week.

Story continues below advertisement


Report an error Editorial code of conduct Licensing Options
As of December 20, 2017, we have temporarily removed commenting from our articles. We hope to have this resolved by the end of January 2018. Thank you for your patience. If you are looking to give feedback on our new site, please send it along to feedback@globeandmail.com. If you want to write a letter to the editor, please forward to letters@globeandmail.com.