Skip to main content
stars and dogs

The Globe's stars and dogs for the week

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Canadian Dollar (Star)

My three ideas for raising the value of the Canadian dollar: 1) Put an image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau on every bill; 2) Print the 20 on THC-impregnated paper; 3) Raise interest rates. For some reason, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz went with the last option. Borrrrrrrrring!

Dollar, 78.91 cents (U.S.), up 1.31 cents or 1.7% over week.


Alimentation Couche-Tard (Star)

The difference between losers and winners is thinking big. For instance, when I go to the convenience store, I grab potato chips and People magazine. But when Couche-Tard goes to the convenience store, it buys the whole darn store. Result: I'm fat and vacuous; Couche-Tard is rich and getting richer.

Story continues below advertisement

ATD.B (TSX), $61.88, up $2.60 or 4.4% over week.


Manulife Financial (Star)

Nearly 14 years ago, Manulife purchased John Hancock with one overwhelming goal in mind: To corner the market for phallus-related insurance humour. Unfortunately, the master plan hasn't worked out as well as hoped. As a result, Manulife is said to be pondering a, um, downsizing of its U.S. member. Problem solved.

MFC (TSX), $25.23, up 22 cents or 0.9% over week.


Bitcoin (Dog)

Oh, great. Bitcoin's appeal was always a mystery. But now, rival factions are warring over the cryptocurrency's future. Unless they agree by month-end, the currency we never understood could split into two currencies we'll never understand. You see the problem, don't you? Good, maybe you can explain it to me.

Bitcoin, $2,159.06 (U.S.), down $355.81 or 14.1% over week.


JPMorgan Chase (Dog)

Poor Jamie Dimon. The JPMorgan boss lit up an analysts' call on Friday with a furious tirade about how too many rules are holding back the mighty U.S. banking sector – you know, the sector that nearly sank the world into a great depression just a few years ago. Maybe he's just upset his stock isn't getting more love.

JPM (NYSE), $92.25 (U.S.), down $1.60 or 1.7% over week.

Story continues below advertisement


Report an error Editorial code of conduct
Comments

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way. Click here to subscribe.

If you would like to write a letter to the editor, please forward it to letters@globeandmail.com. Readers can also interact with The Globe on Facebook and Twitter .

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way. Click here to subscribe.

If you would like to write a letter to the editor, please forward it to letters@globeandmail.com. Readers can also interact with The Globe on Facebook and Twitter .

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff.

We aim to create a safe and valuable space for discussion and debate. That means:

  • Treat others as you wish to be treated
  • Criticize ideas, not people
  • Stay on topic
  • Avoid the use of toxic and offensive language
  • Flag bad behaviour

Comments that violate our community guidelines will be removed.

If your comment doesn't appear immediately it has been sent to a member of our moderation team for review

Read our community guidelines here

Discussion loading…

Due to technical reasons, we have temporarily removed commenting from our articles. We hope to have this fixed soon. Thank you for your patience. If you are looking to give feedback on our new site, please send it along to feedback@globeandmail.com. If you want to write a letter to the editor, please forward to letters@globeandmail.com.