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stars and dogs

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Rogers Communications (STAR)


Business quiz! Shares of Rogers Communications rose after the company: a) hired ex-Fox News host Tucker Carlson to promote a new “text terminator” feature, which lets users recall and permanently erase any controversial messages that could come back to bite them; b) celebrated nearly 10 months without a major network outage; c) topped analysts’ estimates for first-quarter revenue and earnings, driven by the addition of 95,000 postpaid wireless subscribers and higher roaming revenue as more Canadians travelled abroad. Answer: c. (DOG)

AMZN - Nasdaq

People who think is too big and should be broken up need to calm down. The only businesses it operates in are: e-commerce, online advertising, video and music streaming, TV and film production, grocery retailing, online pharmacy services, audiobooks, consumer electronics, virtual and in-office medical services, home security systems and cloud computing for some of the world’s biggest companies. That’s it. Also, even as’s total revenue grew 9 per cent to US$127.4-billion in the first quarter, the company said growth at Amazon Web Services slowed in April. The revelation caused the stock to slip, reducing’s market cap to a modest US$1.09-trillion or so. Everyone take a chill pill.

Chipotle Mexican Grill (STAR)


Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Avocado who?

Avocado a stock tip for you.

Shares of Chipotle Mexican Grill soared to a record high after the burrito chain’s first-quarter revenue surged 17.2 per cent to US$2.4-billion and earnings nearly doubled to US$291.6-million, helped by higher menu prices and lower avocado costs. Investors are so happy with the results, they could taco ‘bout them all day.

Meta Platforms (STAR)

META - Nasdaq

How artificial intelligence is making the world a better place: 1) Lets college students prepare essays without opening a textbook or attending class, leaving more time for drinking beer and smoking weed; 2) Replaces expensive knowledge workers, increasing company profits; 3) Helps social-media algorithms choose mindless content that will keep users glued to their screens for longer periods, boosting ad revenue. Shares of Meta Platforms hit a 52-week high after the parent of Facebook and Instagram credited AI with helping to drive a 26-per-cent increase in ad impressions, as first-quarter earnings crushed expectations. Gotta love progress.

First Republic Bank (DOG)


“And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust.” Well, it’s certainly looking that way. Shares of First Republic Bank continued their nosedive, prompting several trading halts on Friday, after CNBC reported that the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. will likely take the troubled San Francisco-based bank into receivership. It’s still possible that First Republic could avoid getting seized by regulators, but the stock’s rapid descent – it’s down 97 per cent this year – suggests the bank will join other casualties that include Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank. Unfortunately for investors, deposit insurance won’t cover their huge losses.

Follow John Heinzl on Twitter: @johnheinzlOpens in a new window

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