A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week
Dow Jones Industrial Average (DOG)
Tips for coping with market sell-offs like the Dow’s more than 1,000-point plunge this week: 1) Remind yourself that money can’t buy happiness – clothing and food, but not happiness; 2) Take a deep breath – and then scream as loud as you can to release all of your financial worries; 3) Remember that the market will eventually bounce back, even if it falls another few thousand points, the economy collapses and the bank takes your house.
DOWI - INDEX/DJ
Papa John’s International (STAR)
You’ve tried our thin crust, deep crust and cheese-stuffed crust. Now, get ready for Papa John’s money-stuffed pizza crust! With our stock rising on rumours that hedge fund Trian is preparing a takeover bid, we’re “sharing the dough” by baking real $5, $10 and $20 bills right into the crust of every large pizza! Every bite’s a winner! So order a money-stuffed pizza today and enjoy the “rich” taste of our delicious pies!
PZZA - Nasdaq
Business quiz! Shares of engineering and construction giant SNC Lavalin sank after the federal government said it would not allow a settlement of charges that: a) SNC executives bribed a bouncer to gain access to a sold-out Taylor Swift concert in Toronto; b) the company tried to avoid taxes by conducting off-the-books transactions with bitcoin, Canadian Tire money and – in one case – a herd of goats; c) SNC allegedly paid millions of dollars in bribes to public officials in Libya between 2001 and 2011 to win government contracts. Answer: c.
SNC - TSX
Parkland Fuel (STAR)
One day, we’ll all be driving electric cars – and it will be a very sad day indeed for shareholders of Parkland Fuel. Shares of the fuel distributor and retailer – which operates Esso, Ultramar and Pioneer gas stations and On the Run and Marché Express convenience stores – have nearly doubled in the past year thanks to a string of acquisitions. The company was at it again this week, acquiring 75 per cent of SOL Ltd., the largest independent fuel marketer in the Caribbean, for $1.57-billion. Investors are filling their tanks with stock.
PKI - TSX
Sears Holdings (DOG)
There once was a business named Sears
That was going straight downhill for years
Now there’s bankruptcy talk
And the plummeting stock
Is confirming investors’ worst fears
SHLDW-Q - NASDAQ