Skip to main content

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Dow Jones Industrial Average (DOG)

Tips for coping with market sell-offs like the Dow’s more than 1,000-point plunge this week: 1) Remind yourself that money can’t buy happiness – clothing and food, but not happiness; 2) Take a deep breath – and then scream as loud as you can to release all of your financial worries; 3) Remember that the market will eventually bounce back, even if it falls another few thousand points, the economy collapses and the bank takes your house.

DOWI - INDEX/DJ

Story continues below advertisement

Papa John’s International (STAR)

You’ve tried our thin crust, deep crust and cheese-stuffed crust. Now, get ready for Papa John’s money-stuffed pizza crust! With our stock rising on rumours that hedge fund Trian is preparing a takeover bid, we’re “sharing the dough” by baking real $5, $10 and $20 bills right into the crust of every large pizza! Every bite’s a winner! So order a money-stuffed pizza today and enjoy the “rich” taste of our delicious pies!

PZZA - Nasdaq

SNC-Lavalin (DOG)

Business quiz! Shares of engineering and construction giant SNC Lavalin sank after the federal government said it would not allow a settlement of charges that: a) SNC executives bribed a bouncer to gain access to a sold-out Taylor Swift concert in Toronto; b) the company tried to avoid taxes by conducting off-the-books transactions with bitcoin, Canadian Tire money and – in one case – a herd of goats; c) SNC allegedly paid millions of dollars in bribes to public officials in Libya between 2001 and 2011 to win government contracts. Answer: c.

SNC - TSX

Parkland Fuel (STAR)

One day, we’ll all be driving electric cars – and it will be a very sad day indeed for shareholders of Parkland Fuel. Shares of the fuel distributor and retailer – which operates Esso, Ultramar and Pioneer gas stations and On the Run and Marché Express convenience stores – have nearly doubled in the past year thanks to a string of acquisitions. The company was at it again this week, acquiring 75 per cent of SOL Ltd., the largest independent fuel marketer in the Caribbean, for $1.57-billion. Investors are filling their tanks with stock.

PKI - TSX

Sears Holdings (DOG)

There once was a business named Sears

Story continues below advertisement

That was going straight downhill for years

Now there’s bankruptcy talk

And the plummeting stock

Is confirming investors’ worst fears

SHLDW-Q - NASDAQ

Report an error Editorial code of conduct
Tickers mentioned in this story
Unchecking box will stop auto data updates
Comments

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way. Click here to subscribe.

If you would like to write a letter to the editor, please forward it to letters@globeandmail.com. Readers can also interact with The Globe on Facebook and Twitter .

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way. Click here to subscribe.

If you would like to write a letter to the editor, please forward it to letters@globeandmail.com. Readers can also interact with The Globe on Facebook and Twitter .

Welcome to The Globe and Mail’s comment community. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff.

We aim to create a safe and valuable space for discussion and debate. That means:

  • All comments will be reviewed by one or more moderators before being posted to the site. This should only take a few moments.
  • Treat others as you wish to be treated
  • Criticize ideas, not people
  • Stay on topic
  • Avoid the use of toxic and offensive language
  • Flag bad behaviour

Comments that violate our community guidelines will be removed. Commenters who repeatedly violate community guidelines may be suspended, causing them to temporarily lose their ability to engage with comments.

Read our community guidelines here

Discussion loading ...

Due to technical reasons, we have temporarily removed commenting from our articles. We hope to have this fixed soon. Thank you for your patience. If you are looking to give feedback on our new site, please send it along to feedback@globeandmail.com. If you want to write a letter to the editor, please forward to letters@globeandmail.com.
Cannabis pro newsletter