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A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Tesla Inc. (DOG)

How to improve the range of your Tesla: Buy a really, really long extension cord. How to improve the performance of your investment portfolio: Avoid Tesla’s shares. The notoriously volatile stock skidded after the electric car maker delivered fewer vehicles than analysts expected in the first quarter and warned that its results will “be negatively impacted” by the delivery shortfall and “several pricing adjustments." In another bad sign, Tesla’s junk bonds – rated six notches below investment grade – suffered their biggest drop in seven months. Don’t worry. Elon Musk has, er, got this.

TSLA - Nasdaq

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Office Depot Inc. (DOG)

Business quiz! Shares of Office Depot slumped after the company: a) was raided by U.S. DEA officers for selling a brand of copy paper made of hemp; b) was ordered to pay US$300-million in damages to a customer who slipped on some loose thumb tacks, causing him to careen into a scissor display, which in turn dislodged several bundles of copy paper that fell on his head; c) released preliminary first-quarter results that were worse than analysts expected because of a disappointing performance from CompuCom, an IT services provider Office Depot acquired in 2017. Answer: c.

ODP - Nasdaq

Ocean Power Technologies (DOG)

First, the tide came in for Ocean Power Technologies investors. Then it went right back out. Shares of the company, whose PowerBuoys system converts ocean wave energy into electricity, surged after it announced a feasibility study with an unnamed oil and gas company decommissioning wells in the Gulf of Mexico. But the stock plunged the next day after Ocean Power announced a US$15-million secondary offering of shares priced at US$3.50 each – less than half of the previous day’s close. Investors are feeling seasick.

OPTT - Nasdaq

Walgreens Boots Alliance Inc. (DOG)

Coughing, sneezing and sore throats are no fun – unless you own shares of a drugstore chain. Unfortunately for Walgreens Boots investors, this year’s cold and flu season was relatively mild, which contributed to a 3.8-per-cent drop in same-store sales for the company’s fiscal second quarter. With softer generic drug prices and lower reimbursements from pharmacy benefit managers also weighing on earnings and sending the stock down sharply, investors are reaching for the prescription pain relievers.

WBA - Nasdaq

BetaPro Crude Oil 2X Daily Bull ETF (STAR)

What’s better than investing in crude oil when the commodity’s price is surging? Investing in an exchange-traded fund that gives you twice the daily return of crude oil. With a strong U.S. employment report for March, escalating tensions in Libya and expectations for slower production in Venezuela extending crude oil’s strong gains this year, investors in BetaPro’s crude oil bull ETF are enjoying the ride – until the price of crude collapses again, that is.

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HOU - TSX

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