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Illustration by Murat Yukselir/The Globe and Mail

There were a satisfyingly large number of entries to these challenges. Thank you to all who entered. I stripped off the names, did the judging, and reattached the names – all covered by the provincial health plan. As you will see, some readers have more than one entry, and entries in more than one category. Where there were two similar entries, I flipped a coin – a well-known surgical procedure.

—Warren Clements

Challenge #4

The challenge was to answer the question, “How can you tell when you need a new bank?”

  • All the tellers have their hands up. (Diane Bethune)
  • Your crypto account is housed under a church. (Jean-François Belanger)
  • Your line of credit has a shark on the other end. (Elsie Wollaston)
  • The bank’s policy manual defines a “run on the bank” as “more than 10 withdrawals in excess of $100 over a 24-hour period.” (David Stones)
  • For the sake of efficiency all e-transfers have the same security question and answer. (Cheryl Minuk)
  • The Quarterly Report focuses only on coins. (Claire Meranda)
  • You ask the teller for a bank draft and they say they never open the windows. (Shirley Holmes)
  • You say it’s time to draw on your nest egg and your adviser gives you a box of crayons. (Shirley Shikaze)
  • You ask to be connected with customer service. The person who answers says, “Thank you for calling the Consolidated Bank of Cook Islands, Cayman Islands, Lichtenstein, and Mattel Toys.” (Eric Mendelsohn)
  • You ask Alexa to dial your bank, and she tells you to put your money in a sock. (Charles Crockford)
  • The branch manager is standing beside the ATM holding an olive branch. (Lou D’Souza)
  • ATMs are electrified. The more cash you withdraw, the stronger the shock you get. (Bill Glover)
  • Your banker advises you to create your own avatar within a week since all banking within that institution will be done in the Metaverse. (Charles Friedrich)
  • You walk into your branch wearing a COVID mask and they hand over all the money. (Nigel Brachi)
  • You ask if the loans officer is in today and you’re told that you’re in luck, he’s on probation now. (Marlene Brown)
  • Your banker says you have 100,000 but can’t remember the currency. Italian lira? (David Roberts)
  • After you make a deposit, the teller asks if you really want it back. (Anya Orzechowska)
  • You keep receiving overdue notices for kidney donations. (Jane Cunningham)
  • Your bank’s supply of bills arrives at night, because during the day the delivery truck sells ice cream in the neighbourhood. (Charles Crockford)
  • Seven bank employees have experienced mysterious knee injuries in the past several weeks. (David Stones)
  • Your bank manager urges you to open a Not-So-Smart savings account. (William Aide)
  • The bank is evasive when you ask why there are quotation marks around “guaranteed” on their GIC advertisements. (Meredith Briglio)
  • The highest rating in the bank’s customer service survey is “so-so.” (Grace T.)
  • All tellers are dressed in prison uniforms. (Peter Barwin)
  • The posted hours say 5 to 9, and it’s not a typo. (Lesley Hands Wilson)
  • The ATM begins dispensing Canadian Tire money, albeit at par. (John Rankin)
  • A lottery is used to assign interest rates for individual saving accounts. (Cheryl Minuk)
  • The bank gives you a floating rate mortgage, but it is designed to float so high that you are soon underwater. (Colin McNairn)
  • In the latest example of downloading services to customers, the bank asks you to count out your own withdrawals from their neat stacks of bills. (Henry Ko)
  • Your bank manager is a magician. If you miss a loan payment, he makes you disappear. (Charles Crockford)
  • The financial adviser tries to convince you that contributing to a mutual fund is something that he gets to share with you. (Meredith Briglio)
  • Your adviser tells you the C in CDIC stands for China. (Charles Friedrich)
  • The bank’s vault is made from Lego, and for security’s sake it is taken apart and rebuilt every week by the manager’s nephew. (Charles Crockford)
  • Your financial adviser’s office is called “the Shark Tank.” (Carl Bourassa)
  • You make a deposit and the bank teller says she’d really appreciate it if you could give a bit more, as times are tough. (Marlene Brown)
  • The bank notes it dispenses bear the portrait of its CEO, with the serial number representing his annual salary. (Ian A.C. McCallum)
  • The bank’s opening time depends on how long it takes the ink on its money to dry. (Charles Crockford)
  • The teller uses an abacus to calculate your balance. (David Stones)
  • Their pandemic policy is that if you are a robber wearing a balaclava then you don’t need a mask. (David Roberts)
  • They tell you you should time the markets because they close at 4:00 every day. (Claire Meranda)
  • The bank teller asks you for change to break a fifty. (Grace T.)
  • Tellers have personal donation boxes at the counter. (Bill Glover)
  • The bank’s parent company is the “South Bank of the St. Lawrence River.” (Charles Crockford)