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Celebrity Photos of the Year: Sideboob, Bieber and blue hair. And adultery

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A is for Kristen Stewart. Because she’s on the A-list, people! Mercy! It’s not like she was married to Robert Pattinson. Biggest star of the year. Handles her private affairs ever so gracefully. Smiles too much. Provokes sarcasm. A-


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B is for Bieber, Justin Bieber, who survived a murder plot in which the alleged killers were allegedly going to allegedly castrate him. It’s not funny anymore to say that that would have been redundant. He’s a man now. Wears too much jewellery. Allergic to milk. B++


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C is for George Clooney, who is as puzzled about us as we are about him. Is there anything he can’t do? Besides get married? Why won’t he settle down? He’s making all the other hot millionaires who have unlimited access to sex and power look bad. Really – get married, Clooney. Smirks well. Can’t act. C-


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D is for Robert Downey Jr., the star of such films as “Iron Man” and “Iron Man XII: The CLR Stain Remover Years.” Consistently plays a really hot millionaire who has unlimited access to sex and power but settles for Gwyneth Paltrow. Inexplicable. Lucky. Dimpled. A++


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E is not for Emilio Estevez. It’s for “erstwhile,” and this is a picture of Lindsay Lohan in a scene from the tragic TV biopic “Liz & Dick,” in which she did not play Dick. Erstwhile: Look it up. Attractive. Possibly talented. Good with a mop. Bad with a steering wheel. D-


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F is for the greatest fresco in the history of frescoes. So this little old lady goes into a church in Spain and touches up a faded image of Jesus Christ, but she’s just seen “Planet of the Apes” and thinks it was a documentary. So much for intelligent design, right? Handsome. Good at parties. But is it art? B++


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G is for Ryan Gosling, Canada’s answer to the question, “Where is Ryan Gosling from?” He’s from Canada, people. We invented him, but the Internet needed him more so we let him go. Hey girl, you meme the world to me. Or something. Handsome. Polite. Pretends to like George Clooney. B+


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H is for “hair.” Other than that I’ve completely blanked on who this is. Katy something? Rick Perry? Oh right – Katy Perry. Singer. Put out an album a few years ago. Remains relevant thanks to her hair. Divorced. Might be American. See “erstwhile.” F+


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I is for Carly Rae Jepsen, because “I” needed the J for something else and if “I” hear “Call Me, Maybe” one more time, “I” may kill myself. Great song the first 5,000 times, then it starts to grow blue hair. Incessant. Indefatigable. Ibuprofen. Owned by Justin Bieber. A-


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J is for “jump the shark.” That’s right, Betty White. Love you, gotta go. No really, we have to move on. We get it – mischievous, potty-mouthed senior citizens are hilarious. But seriously, we can’t stay any longer. Have to work in the morning. Yes, we’ll call. Promise. No we did not just roll our eyes! Mischievous. Potty-mouthed. Old. Tired. C-


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K is for Kim Kardashian. She earned it after going entire year without getting engaged, married or separated. You can’t spell discipline without a K ... any more. Whatever. Savvy businesswoman. Morally agile. Disciplinked. C++


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L is for “leg.” No one has yet explained why Angelina Jolie repeatedly thrust her right leg out of her gown at the Oscars in Hollywood in February. Was her leg suffering from claustrophobia? Heat stroke? Is it sponsored by a ski company? We’ll probably never know. One thing’s for certain: Actually, nothing is for certain. Carry on. Tall. Thin. Has a knee. B-


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M is for Mick, seen here with Lady Gaga, who did not earn a letter this year. She was competing for L, G and E and came up short. Mick, though ... Fifty years on and he’s still prancing around on stage for two hours at a time singing hits he wrote 40 years ago. How does he do it?! Drugs. Pact with devil. Hologram. A+


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The letter N is brought to you by Nicole Kidman, the second former Mrs. Tom Cruise and the first, as far as we know, to pee on a man’s leg in a movie. Along with adding Katie Holmes to her ex-wives club, that makes for a great year. Daring. Provocative. Forgiven. B+


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O is for the Taj Mahal, seen here with a well-reserved relic from a bygone era that will never regain its former glory and power. Hey Oprah, maybe you should start your own television network or something. Just to keep busy. What? Oh. Sorry. :D


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P is for Psy, the Korean pop star who made the world forget the Chicken Dance. Weddings will never be the same, until they’re the same again in about six months. We just have to get through the Grammy Awards, then we’ll be clear. Talented. Funny. Repetitive. Talented. Funny. Repetitive repetitive. Repeat. A+++


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Q is probably for “Quaalude.” It certainly isn’t for acquiesce. Excellent comeback, Charlie Sheen!! His highly-rated new sitcom, “Anger Management,” was renewed for 90 more shows this fall. Hey, Chuck Lorre: Eat. My. Shorts. A+++


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R is for “riveting.” Daredevil Nik Wallenda walked a tightrope over Niagara Falls in June while live on television, and if he had slipped HE WOULD HAVE DANGLED BY HIS SAFETY HARNESS FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN STARTED OVER!!! Breathless. Daredevilish. Pointless. C–


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S is for sideboob, a ubiquitous trend on red carpets in 2012. Jennifer Lopez pointed the way at the Oscars in February, and then everyone rushed to join the parade. Sexy. Exciting. Great puns. Mostly C+


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U is for “unfair.” Tom Cruise gets dumped by his wife Katie Holmes, is separated from his daughter Suri, and suddenly the tabloid press starts accusing him of abandoning the little girl. There was no call for the media to completely invent such a tall tale out of whole cloth. Preposterous. Invented. Religion. B–


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W is for the “weather,” brought to you by Prince Charles during his visit to the BBC’s headquarters in Glasgow, Scotland, in May. Safe to say his prediction of a white Christmas at Buckingham Palace will come true. It may even snow! Ha. What? B+


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The letter WHY DEAR GOD WHY is brought to you by Madonna. FFFF-


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X is for ex-exes who conveniently reunite while the teen drama in which they co-star as a romantically-linked couple is being heavily promoted. Excuse me? D–


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Z is for everyone who made it this far and is falling asleep. It’s also for J.K. Rowling’s first adult novel, “A Casual Vacancy,” a rip-roaring tale of municipal politics and death in a small Englizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... F(in)


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