Skip to main content

The Globe and Mail

Joan Rivers: Remembering her best one-liners

Comedian Joan Rivers has died after following complications during surgery at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. She was 81.

Getty Images

Joan Rivers, who died in New York on Thursday at the age of 81, was one of the most caustic comedians to ever pick up a microphone. From her earliest days as one of Johnny Carson's favourite performers, through her late- career resurgence making fun of fashion, no target was safe. She was sharp-tongued to everyone and everything, including fellow celebrities, although she sometimes saved harshest mockery for herself. Some of her best one-liners:

On relationships

"Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card."

Story continues below advertisement

"When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now … once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time."

"The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping."

On her sex life

"I have so little sex appeal my gynecologist examines me by telephone."

"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."

"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."

"All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

Story continues below advertisement

Celebrity putdowns

"The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?"

"Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."

"All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."

On children

"Grandchildren can be so [expletive] annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."

Story continues below advertisement

Report an error Licensing Options
About the Author

Dave McGinn writes about fitness trends for the Life section and also reports for Globe Arts. Prior to joining the Globe, he was a freelance journalist, covering topics from trying to eat Michael Phelps' diet to why the Joker is the best villain in comics history. He's working on improving his 10k time. More

Comments

The Globe invites you to share your views. Please stay on topic and be respectful to everyone. For more information on our commenting policies and how our community-based moderation works, please read our Community Guidelines and our Terms and Conditions.

We’ve made some technical updates to our commenting software. If you are experiencing any issues posting comments, simply log out and log back in.

Discussion loading… ✨