FILE - This Oct. 5, 2009 file photo shows Joan Rivers posing as she presents "Comedy Roast with Joan Rivers " during the 25th MIPCOM (International Film and Programme Market for TV, Video, Cable and Satellite) in Cannes, southeastern France.LIONEL CIRONNEAU/The Associated Press
EXIT LAUGHING
Even when it came to arranging her own funeral, the late Joan Rivers had a terrific sense of humour.
As gently pointed out on Zimbio.com, the comedy legend, who passed away Thursday in New York at 81, imposed specific (if not entirely serious) stipulations for her funeral service in her 2012 biographical memoir I Hate Everyone….Starting With Me.
In Rivers' own words: "When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything's in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way."
In the same passage, Rivers gets specific about what she doesn't want at her funeral: "I don't want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing 'Mr. Lonely'."
And naturally, Rivers – who by her own estimation underwent close to a hundred plastic surgeries over the years – wanted to look good.
"I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive," she wrote in the book. "I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing like Beyoncé's."
Elsewhere, the Twitter account @LettersOfNote has unearthed and tweeted an old quote by Rivers from unattributed sources that suggests that her abrupt departure from this mortal coil was exactly what she wanted.
"I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know," said Rivers. "I have no intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end."
Of course it's worth noting that in the same conversation Rivers also said, "When a seventy-three-year-old calls you and says, 'My mother died,' don't bother to say, 'Of what?' You already know that the answer won't be pole-vaulting or mixed martial arts."
All joking aside, Rivers' real funeral will take place Sunday at Temple Emanu-el in Manhattan.
"It is a terribly sad day for all of us," Rabbi Joshua Davidson told ABC News. "We mourn with her family, friends all those millions to whom she brought laughter and joy."
QUEEN SOFIA
Sofia Vergara has topped the Forbes list of TV's highest-paid actresses for the third year in a row. The Modern Family star reportedly pulls in an impressive $37-million (U.S.) per year. The Colombian-born actress earns a reported $325,000 per episode from Modern Family, but collects far more from her endorsement deals with Diet Pepsi, Head and Shoulders shampoo and other products. Vergara's annual income even trumps that of TV's top-earning actor, Ashton Kutcher of Two And a Half Men, who earns an estimated $26-million per annum.
Source: Forbes
SONGS FOR SALE
Watch out, iTunes: Garth Brooks has launched a digital music service. The country star announced Thursday that he has created his own digital music store called GhostTunes. Brooks, who has never allowed his music to be sold on iTunes, said the new service will allow users to purchase music in whatever manner they please, including singles only. "I wanted a place that just sold entertainment," said Brooks. "And to sell it any way the artist wanted it sold." Brooks made the announcement days before the first date of his upcoming world tour, which is also his first concert tour in 13 years.
Source: People
DOGG IN THE HOUSE
Snoop Dogg crashed a couple's wedding in Chicago last weekend. The rapper was spotted by wedding photographer Chris Seibel as he got out of his limousine at the Hard Rock Hotel last Sunday. "He was wearing a purple and gold jumpsuit," said Seibel. "You knew it was him." As it turned out, the groom's mother was a huge fan, which resulted in Snoop joining the wedding party and even posing for photographs, which have since gone viral on Instagram.
Source: ABC News
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT
Matthew McConaughey has spoofed his own True Detective persona in a car commercial. In the new spot for the Lincoln MKC, the laconic actor is shown behind the wheel of the vehicle looking and talking very much like his dour Detective character of Rustin "Rust" Cohle as he faces down a large bull on a remote highway. In the end, McConaughey backs down and drives away.
Source: Slate
AGING WELL
Charlize Theron is completely comfortable with getting older. In a recent interview with Red magazine, the Oscar-winning actress, who turned 39 last month, says that she doesn't give aging a second thought. "I've loved getting older, I really have," said Theron. "That doesn't mean I don't have moments when I look in the mirror and find myself going, 'Oh, my God,' but I'm much more at ease looking at myself now than when I was 20 and had gorgeous skin and a fat, plump face."
Source: E! News