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Who is today's alpha wife? She is independent minded and highly motivated. She is most comfortable when she is in charge. On top of her career, she may have responsibilities as a board member, mother and daughter. She may be the prime bread winner. She is self-assured. Her mate may be another alpha or a beta. Both types may wonder how to manage her.
Well, don't.
We need you to support us. Keep us close and hone your funny bone.
My slow journey from the home to full-time employment started off with baby steps. My toes inched away from the indentation in the lino at the altar of the kitchen sink. The steps became larger, more confident strides into contract work, part-time work, followed by steady leaps forward and away from home toward a full-blown career. I was honest with myself. I had many doubts about whether I could keep up the stamina required to be full-time alpha employee and full-time alpha wife and mother.
It didn't take long before my inner alpha finally felt fulfilled outside of the home. Today I am happy at work. I am respected, valued and dare I say it – successful at my job. So far I've only been called out of a boardroom once to rush one of my teenagers to the emergency room with an open head wound. Stand back, alpha wife and mother at work!
I admit that I was fearful my children would suffer, that they would resent not having me around when they came home from school. Whose feet would they launch their backpacks toward as they crashed in and flung themselves on the couch? So far, they rely on each other. I hope they have come to reach out to each other for some resilience, even if it is resigned resilience. The fact is I can't be there to answer every single e-mail from a swim coach and piano teacher, so they've missed a couple of orthodontist appointments and the all-day Saturday Mandarin language school didn't quite work out. It's not intentional neglect, just benign, good-for-them type of neglect.
The thing is that as I have embraced this new professional wife and mother role, the woman who has dry-cleaning in her car, as in, my own dry-cleaning, I have also taken on more of the household chores. Perhaps I've done that as a way to feel less guilty for being out of the house during the day, and maybe it is a personal aim to stay in control of my former life as a full-time stay at home alpha wife. I overcompensate and cook full evening meals for our family, which often means we don't eat until late in the evening. I feel a need to sit back in the nest I left for the day to feed my young with food that I have prepared.
On occasion, when I have my defences up and am taking on too much I am disappointed that my spouse reacts with "I KNOW you have a full-time job." It's more than just a job – it is meaningful employment that represents a sense of value where I am listened to, respected, where I am not drowning in an undefined identity of driver, dishwasher emptier, laundry sorter and dog walker. Perhaps if this role as full-time stay at home mother was still valued and honoured and respected and oh, affordable, I would have been content to stay home. But it's not any more.
We are complementary spirits my mate and I. We chose each other. One calm, thoughtful, warrior-like spirit with strong roots met a high-achieving, independent minded dreamer with wings. He holds on to me as I push up higher and try to stay airborn for as long as possible. He grounds me while I keep gaining new heights. I keep him looking high up to the heavens to chase his own dreams. I hope I bring him new vistas to dream about. But without him guiding me through the changes in the wind, without him holding on to me, I would flutter and snap and be lost up there in the clouds.
With our dual careers that demand our energy and focus, with the children getting older and our parents, too, it becomes harder to both land on the same shores and take pause in our partnership. The most beautiful change in our 20-year marriage that has surprised us most is our laughter. When we first met, we shared shy clusters of laughter. Today it is richer, deeper and connected through shared histories. It is threaded together so finely with pride and hurt, disappointment and joy that it is a full, tear-leaking laughter that emerges. I recognize this laughter in my own parents. They have it. My husband and I have commented on this newfound laughter. If it had a colour it would be purple and it would taste like blueberries and cream.
So my only advice is this: hold on to your alpha wife, she needs you to guide her through unforeseen downwinds and up-drafts. And she will take you to great heights. The laughter is worth it and she loves you.
Suzanne Scott lives in Vancouver.