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Still satisfied with sex? Your questions answered Add to ...

i am a 34 yr old women who is mentally very attracted to her husband but can not seem to get things going as far as libido these days... I love him and I want him but I can't seem to get things started in the bedroom - the desire is just not there, even for self pleasuring... any suggestions? I need a long term solution, perhaps a natural libido enhancer?

1:25 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

I hear you, K. This is a really common problem for women in their mid-thirties. We used to think this was a time for a sexual peak for women. However, now, this time often coincides with having young children, increasing responsibilities are work, caring for aging parents. Low desire is EXTREMELY common in women in their mid-thirties.

1:27 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

Unfortunately, there's not a quick fix. You can go to your family doctor and ask him/her to rule out medical issues (e.g., hormonal issues). If there aren't any, then I'd ask yourself the questions I posed above in the chat. What physical, emotional, relational factors are getting in the way of you having desire? Are you just too tired? Are you feeling unhappy with the way your body looks? Are you a little bored with your partner? Or frustrated at him for something (or a lot of little things)? These things really eat away at desire. If you can resolve those issues, you can experience desire again.

1:29 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

I would say that likely this situation will change over time. Your life situation will evolve, your kids will grow up, you'll (hopefully) feel closer to your partner, and (hopefully) stop holding your body up to unrealistic media standards - and the desire will come back. You just need to nurture your relationship and your partner in the mean time. It can be hurtful to be rejected all the time (for men and women).

1:30 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

If you want to be proactive, take steps to spice things up yourself. What kind of sex would motivate you to be sexually active? Would it have to be passionate? Exciting? Risky? - Create that kind of sex. It can be hard to get excited about doing the same old thing.

1:30 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

Other questions?

1:30 Niamh O'Doherty - Robin, considering your research in this area, what do you think is the most common cause of low libido?

1:32 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

What I've learned from my research is that desire is multi-faceted. There are over 200 things which can turn us on or off at any given time. This is why it's important to communicate with our partners, how could they ever guess what's going on for us amidst all those competing factors?

1:32 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

I think the biggest drain on libido is Life. The daily hassles, stresses, irritations that bog us down, exhaust us. That's why vacation sex is so exciting! :) We've been able to escape our responsibilities, come to a new location...

1:33 [Comment From Amy ]

I am also mid-thirties have two young kids (one toddler, one baby) and often too tired for sex at night even though I want to have sex more often. Any suggestions?

1:34 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

Couples' sexual and relational satisfaction is at the lowest point when they have preschool aged children. From that point on, it gets better. When men and women are in their senior years, they often feel more fulfilled sexually than ever before. They are more in sync sexually and more comfortable in their bodies and relationships. But you don't want to wait that long, Amy!

1:36 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

My advice to women with young kids is to first, give themselves a break. It's not surprising that you have low desire if you are caring for babies all day long (and often all night). You feel like your body is giving to others all day long and your only purpose in life is keeping the little ones safe, happy and healthy. You often don't have anything left for yourself, or your partner.

1:37 [Comment From Robin Milhausen]

Can you find a way to give yourself a break, get yourself some help? If you can relieve some of your responsibilities and get some rest, you may feel more like sex. How do you feel when you do have sex? If you don't really look forward to sex in advance, but once you have it you feel more relaxed, more connected to your partner, it may be worth "going there" even if your desire isn't through the roof.

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