GARY CAMERON/Reuters
Hosting a U.S. election party? As Canadians, we get to mock both sides. But pulling off a poker-hot event still requires careful planning. Even if you don't have binders full of ideas, you can still have a gaffe-free party by following a few basic guidelines that blend party planning and political theatre.
BEST PARTY GAME
You're going to have to keep you guests entertained while you wait for results to roll in, and listening to pundits blather on isn't going to cut it. You need party games. What's the best one? A few rounds of charades where every word or phrase is an incident from the campaign. Good luck to the person stuck miming Big Bird.
SIGNS YOU'VE OVERDECORATED
– Bunting.
– Balloon net on the ceiling.
– Donkey out back for kiddie rides.
PEOPLE NOT TO INVITE
The Policy Wonk: Likes to cite legislative minutiae, bores guests so much they leave early.
The Conspiracy Theorist: Keeps asserting that it doesn't matter who wins due to "big oil."
The Uniter: Espouses a Can't-we-all-just-get-along philosophy that is as welcome as the person at a Grey Cup party who doesn't care who wins, they think we should all just enjoy the game. Pick a side, Uniter!
BIPARTISAN SNACK TABLE
Arugula and steak without the steak for Obama supporters. And for Romney backers with an appetite? Peanut butter and honey sandwiches – the candidate's favourite. Although you might want to consider also serving KFC Double Downs to hard-core Republicans to cater to their carnivorous appetites and their salad-is-elitist attitude. And the post-meal snack that doubles as a conversation piece: Homemade cookies that taste like you got them from the local 7-Eleven.
RILE YOUR OPPONENTS
If you're an Obama supporter, respond to all criticisms as if you were Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair. If you're a Romney supporter, reply as a moronically smiling Joe Biden while dismissing all points as "malarkey!"
WHAT TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN TALKING TO AMERICANS
They already think we're condescending enough.
BEST COSTUMES
– Ayn Rand. Showing up as the intellectual darling of the right will allow you to hog the chip bowl all to yourself because anything else would be collectivist.
– Paul Ryan in his marathon gear. When coming back from getting people drinks, apologize for it taking waaaaaaaay longer than you thought it did.
MUSIC OBAMA SUPPORTERS WILL PLAY IF HE WINS
Glory Days, by Bruce Springsteen
IF HE LOSES
Requiem, by Mozart
MUSIC ROMNEY SUPPORTERS WILL PLAY IF HE WINS
Amen, by Kid Rock
IF HE LOSES
Highway to Hell, by AC/DC
SMUG HASHTAG TO RESIST USING
#SogladIliveinCanada.
Dave McGinn