Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.
A reader writes: A few months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt we weren't on the same page. While neither of us is looking for a lifetime commitment (we're both in our mid-20s), I want commitment in the here and now - not just monogamy but also "coupledom" - i.e. thinking of the other person when making plans.
He would often cancel plans, while I made lots of compromises to spend time with him. When I told him I needed stability, he said he couldn't change. So I ended it.
I missed him horribly, though, and when he came by to tell me he loved me very much, we decided to try again. But we quickly fell back into the old pattern. Is there a way to make this work, or should I call it quits for good?
Turn the page
Not only are you on a different page, you are in a different book. He may love you but he is not able to accommodate you. You have to ask what such love means. Not much I would suggest. Find someone who genuinely cares for you. It takes patience to find a suitable person and patience to establish a solid relationship. So don't hurry and don't fall back either.
Sudhir Jain, Calgary
Don't waste your time
A few hard facts: You're not the one, and you'll never be the one. If you were, he wouldn't want to be free to spend time with someone else. In spite of the fact he really does like you, he's self-centred, all about the chase and always on the lookout for an upgrade. How do I know this? I lived this adventure myself in my 20s. Please don't do what I did and waste years waiting for him to commit.
Cathy Buchner, Calgary
Look at your issues
You want someone who will compromise and be stable but you want this only on a short-term basis. The problem may not be your boyfriend's continuous cancellations of plans but your cancellation of the future. Why should he commit to a plan with you now when he knows you have no intention of sticking around? If you want him to free up his time for you, why not free up your expectations?
Sarah Jorgensen, Brantford, Ont.
The final word
I don't claim to know much about you kids today with your hook-up culture and your Lady Gaga and your more or less exactly the same kind of cultural touchstones that every postwar generation had. But I do possess one particular nugget of timeless wisdom when it comes to twentysomething boys. If they don't currently take into account your thoughts/feeling/existence when planning out the minutiae of their lives, they never will.
Sarah supposes that your boyfriend's neglect on this front is a function of the lack of commitment upon which you've predicated your relationship. I beg to differ. No one your age should jump into the dating pool proclaiming a desire for lifelong commitment; the only thing you should be yelling is cowabunga as you hit the water. Now is the time to splash around, get wet and check out the surrounding Speedos, even if a committed relationship is what you ultimately want.
But there's commitment and then there is basic relationship etiquette - an etiquette that is going unobserved where your boyfriend is concerned. Cathy puts it harshly, because she knows the harsh reality whereof she speaks. Your boyfriend is likely sincere when he tells you that he loves you, but he clearly hasn't garnered the maturity and experience to put his money where his mouth is. Once he's been dumped a few times by lovely ladies like yourself - women about whom he cares deeply but whose feelings he can't quite bring himself to put on par with his own - it will occur to him to wonder what he's doing wrong. Meanwhile, he's got a bit more growing up to do.
And meanwhile for you, refuse to play the part of the whining, insecure girlfriend who debases herself by waiting around for a guy who regularly makes her feel like the least important part of his life. That way madness lies. Worse: That way the humiliating re-enactment of a particularly dire Sex and the City episode lies. (Now let us never speak of Carrie and Big again.)
Don't let yourself get too bent out of shape about it, kid. To paraphrase the wise Sudhir, dating at this stage of the game should be treated like an audition - you'd be a fool to cast this current beau as leading man. Next!
Next week's question
A reader writes: I was friends with a couple in high school, though always closer with the guy. We went to the same university, but the couple broke up in second year. It's now five years later and I am still friends with both. Recently my guy friend expressed interest in being in a relationship with me. I was hesitant, knowing the "girl code of ethics" states you never date a friend's ex. But I decided to go for it. What is the etiquette for telling the girl (who, by the way, is living with a new boyfriend)?
Do you have an answer to this question, or your own dilemma? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com and include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)
Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.