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lynn coady's group therapy

Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.

A reader writes: My husband and I have been married for almost two years. I have a son who was born before we met. My husband never takes my son out and has admitted that he is not committed as a parent. His reasons? My son is not his biological child, and this is new to him because he hasn't fathered a child of his own. Recently, I was ill and my husband went out without offering to pick up "our" son from daycare and didn't come home for six hours, even after I called him. We also fight over his expensive DJing hobby, which is jeopardizing our ability to pay bills. I have spent a lot of time arguing; now I feel like giving up. What should I do?

Make or break time

It sounds as if you jumped into this marriage with eyes wide shut.  Was there no discussion of your prospective husband's role as a stepfather? This tells me that you share some blame for the situation, and you need to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself what you really want. If you feel there is still that special something between you, then you need to sit him down and make sure he understands that it's make or break time, because never having had a son of his own is no excuse whatever.

- Dave Moores, Oakville, Ont.

Seek counselling

Pity you did not know more about this turkey before you married him. I feel most for your son; whatever stupid decisions you made, he should not have to make do with a non-dad. That said, your husband may have a different take on all of this, and the sooner you explore this with a family counsellor, the better. If counselling can't lead you to a better relationship, bail before it gets any worse. Your son deserves a real dad.

- Michael Moore, Minaki, Ont.

Hit the road

Get out now. DJ Deadbeat isn't going to change, and you've got to make a change and fast.  Your son is your absolute, 100-per-cent, hands-down first priority. Surround yourself with family and good friends.  Get a good lawyer. And never forget that there is no man more important than your little man.

- Jenna Rody, Aurora, Ont.

The final word

I seem to be getting a lot of mail these days by or about people who can't digest a simple fact about marriage. When you marry a person who has a family, and likes their family, and wants their family in their life on a continuing basis, then by saying "I do," what you're really saying is: "I do too." Much of what we think of as being "traditional" about the institution of marriage is, I would be the first to tell you, lame - the bankruptcy-inducing pouffery of the wedding industry, the ceremonial foisting of the bride from father to son-in-law, the chicken dance, suburbia - but once we strip away the goofball trappings we're left with a handful of important and enduring traditional (God help me) values. One of those is the idea that each partner has become a member of the other's family, and agrees to behave as such.

Granted, some readers may recoil at this notion, thinking they have to spend every bit as much time on the phone with neurotic cousin Betsy as their pushover spouse does every week. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying neurotic cousin Betsy is now your cousin too.

The principle just intensifies in the realm of parents and children. A cousin is one thing, but a child - to paraphrase Jenna - is everything. A spouse who doesn't realize that isn't worthy of the institution. And if he doesn't think he's up to parenthood, it's his job to make that known before getting down on one knee.

Of course, as Dave and Mike point out, it was your job to make sure the guy was on board with dadhood well in advance of taking that trip down the aisle. Now that your husband's made it clear he'd rather be spinning discs than driving to daycare, the first thing you do is ask if he's willing to adjust his attitude and step up like a good stepdad should. If not, we both know what comes next.

Next week's question

After being a workaholic for decades, my dad retired a few years early to get a head start on all the projects he had been planning. But instead of renewing his lease on life, he seems to have aged beyond his years. He has spent two years moping around the house, calling himself "obsolete" and resisting my mother's and my encouragements to join in outings or try new things. He isn't taking care of himself, he's irritable, and my sister now prefers to stay with me when she visits, which angers him. How can I help my dad get over his depression and see retirement for the opportunity it is? I fear our relationship becoming one of obligation, not love.

Let's hear from you

Do you have an answer to this question or your own dilemma? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com and include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)

Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.

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