Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.
A reader writes: Six months ago, I got out of a relationship because he was emotionally abusive to me. Everyone was supportive at first, but my sister has been talking to him and spending time with him, even though I have expressed my dislike.
She claims she only does it so that her son and his son (from a relationship before me) can spend time together. She keeps telling me she will stop, but doesn't. She doesn't seem to understand how much it hurts me to see them spending time together, even though I tell her. In the three years I was in the relationship neither of them liked each other and were constantly telling me how much they disliked one another.
Am I being selfish for not wanting my sister to spend time with him, or am I in the right? Part of me wants to shut her out of my life, but if I did that I would lose my nephew.
Forget him and let her decide
Obviously you still have strong feelings for this man. You are not even sure that he and your sister are actually dating. When you broke off your relationship, you probably expected that he would see the error of his ways and return on bended knee. It's not going to happen. Accept the fact and move on. You washed your hands of him; your sister is aware of his faults; they are both adults. Whether or not they choose to take their friendship to the next level is entirely up to them.
-Carolyn Tytler, St. Catharines, Ont.
Tell her she's setting herself up
Your sister is either kidding herself or not being honest with you. Why would she want to spend time with someone who was emotionally abusive to you, let alone take her son with her? The old phrase "I fear the lady doth protest too much" comes to mind when you say that the two of them were "constantly telling me how much they disliked one another." Clearly there is an attraction there, and I would bet she thinks she will have a different relationship with him than you did. I feel sure that sooner or later she will be treated as you were. The son is a smokescreen. Talk to her about the real problem - that she is setting herself up for abuse.
Carol Murgatroyd, Montreal
This man is a symptom
Hon, I can tell you from experience that your sister still has a ways to go before she can get out of this cycle. Her excuses are threadbare thin, and she obviously knows it. A sense of rejection is what is driving you both - her into the relationship and you away from her. Whatever the reasons, this man is a symptom of something much deeper for both of you. Find a support group to share what you are dealing with, and encourage your sister to do the same. You have taken the first step: You have rejected the abuse cycle. Your sister's decision is hers and hers alone to make.
Patricia MacDonald, North Bay, Ont.
The Final Word
Rarely has a letter to an advice columnist distilled the essence of interpersonal strife with such purity: The problem with other people, particularly those nearest and dearest to us, is that they don't do what we want. They do, instead, what they want.
Even when we've taken considerable pains to explain why what we want them to do would be the most moral and considerate course of action. And still they do what they want.
So we go on to clarify why what they want causes us discomfort and would be a really, let's face it, jerk-faced way to proceed. And they get mad and trump our "jerk-faced" with a rejoinder less acceptable in the pages of a family newspaper. Feelings get hurt. Vocal cords are exercised. And at the end of the day? Your nearest and dearest continue to do what they want.
I find it touching when people write in to ask if they are "being selfish" for having human emotional reactions. Is it selfish of you to be bothered that your sister is nurturing a relationship with your abusive ex? Yes. It's also selfish to take a seat on a crowded bus, book a reflexology appointment and have ice cream on your pie. But it's not something to beat yourself up over or that warrants an epithet even as tame as "jerk-faced".
Our friends above are reading a whole soap opera's worth of motivation into the behaviours of you and your sister regarding this man (You still have feelings for him! She has feelings for him!) but all I claim to know is that a relationship in which a person has been treated badly can leave a lingering, miserable pong.
It's eminently understandable that you'd want to open a few windows and air out the stench this bully has left in his wake.
Your sister, meanwhile, thinks nothing of dousing herself in Eau de Traumatizing Relationship and wafting it right back into your life.
Don't allow this guy to stink up your family relationships. Carolyn and Patty are right in observing that your sister is a grown-up who (and I believe we've identified this as the unfortunate crux of the issue) can do as she likes. But I'd add my voice to Carol's when she encourages you to keep talking to your sister about who the real jerk-face is in this equation.
Next week's question
My boyfriend gave me an amazing book of tattoo art for my birthday, which I then lent back to him as a reference for his photography (he does pinup photos - in his bedroom). When he showed me a picture he called "sexy as hell" I saw a model with my birthday present covering her bare breasts. I felt violated and betrayed. I told him I never wanted to see the book again, but he doesn't understand why I'm upset and gets angry when I bring it up. He crossed a line between personal and professional, but I don't know how much of my feelings stem from my father's adultery and disrespect toward my mother. This entire situation probably sounds ridiculous, but it makes me feel lousy and unhappy. I need some advice.
Do you have an answer to this question, or your own dilemma? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com and include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)
Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.