Old-fashioned pen pals keep it real in the digital age

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Melanie Hansen started writing letters when she was eight years old. Back then, it was to a third cousin in Prince Edward Island. Nineteen years later, the Dieppe, N.B., aesthetician writes to three pen pals: two women in Britain and one in Greece who fumes about her in-laws on tidy stationery.

Being pen pals is no longer reserved for felons, schoolchildren and the elderly. Websites such as FriendsWithPens.com and Facebook groups such as the shrilly titled "Penpals who write proper letters!" reveal thousands of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings pining for people to correspond with - with no strings attached. On online message boards, they write about cultivating lifelong friendships, peering in on distant cities and keeping snail mail alive despite the many swifter modes of communication at their disposal.

The hobby is also now the subject of a movie, Mary and Max , a stop-motion animated film that opened in theatres last week. It features an eight-year-old Australian girl and an obese American man who become pen pals.

The unlikely nature of such friendships is a big part of the allure, seasoned pen pals say.

"The thing that appeals to me about writing strangers is what I can learn about other people, where they are from and their culture," Janice Gilbert said.

The 28-year-old Calgary manager wrote to pen pals as a girl and was "hoping to find a similar experience again." In March, she Googled "pen pals," signed up on penpals.com and found herself a Swiss friend. Ms. Gilbert received her first letter in the mail from the woman three weeks ago; they've since become Facebook friends.

Ms. Gilbert prefers to write her letters the old-fashioned way. For her and other diehards, part of the appeal lies in the snail mail experience, from picking out the stationery and stamps to waiting for the letter carrier.

In the face of instant messaging, e-mail and 140-character pronouncements, it seems letter writers may be the last people enjoying thoughtful correspondence.

"I love pen-palling and receiving long, chatty letters. There is nothing better than sitting down with a nice cup of tea when I get in from work and reading and replying to my mail," writes Charlotte Sinclair, 25, of London on the Facebook wall for "Penpals who write proper letters!" which has 1,078 members.

Snail mail "shows you care," said Matt Devine, a 30-year-old factory worker from St. Catharines, Ont., who has six pen pals, from Beverly Hills to Thunder Bay.

"Anybody can shoot out an e-mail in five seconds but if you actually take time to write and go to the store and get postage and paper and envelopes, it shows your friends that you put in an effort for them," Mr. Devine said.

For many, the experience is about getting someone to consider the minutiae of their lives, something the slow process of letter writing allows.

"Someone who will actually pay attention to what I'm writing," is the dream pen pal of Melissa Diala Lauritzen, an American stay-at-home-mom with three boys and member of one of the Facebook group for scribblers.

"I'm looking for serious long-letter writers who will write often. None of that two paragraph short notepad stuff," Ms. Lauritzen writes on the group's wall.

The effort can be rewarded with a fresh take on your life, pen pals say.

"I wanted to share what was going on in my life with someone outside the box who might be interested," said Cynthia Bugala, a 29-year-old Toronto early-childhood educator who has one pen pal in the United States and another in Britain.

"I picked people who wanted to share their daily lives with someone else they're not attached to [and]build the type of relationship that can offer unbiased opinion on your life, a different perspective," Ms. Bugala said.

Some pen pals see themselves as therapists in the equation - albeit amateur ones who can respond only weeks after whatever trauma took place.

"I consider myself a good listener so if they have a problem, I tell them, 'You can write me any time,'" said Elizabeth Stroebele-Bachmeier, a Medicine Hat teacher who tries to reply to her dozen pen pals within days of getting their letters.

Ms. Stroebele-Bachmeier started writing to strangers when she was 13 years old through Fan Club, a defunct Quebec music magazine. She's been writing for 23 years, and now uses Facebook to find pen pals.

"I'm an only child and I find comfort in it," she said.

She and many others expect their pen pals are in it for the long haul.

Ms. Hansen said: "They're almost family eventually."

Write by the rules

"Write back soon."

Pen pals have their own etiquette and much of it centres on commitment to the person checking their mailbox miles away.

The first letter is key. "You're introducing yourself to a new person. You don't want to open up completely," said Melanie Hansen, who writes to three pen pals.

Snail mail moves at a snail's pace, so don't dawdle writing back. "I don't like keeping them waiting because you're developing a relationship," said Elizabeth Stroebele-Bachmeier, who has a dozen pen pals.

Put it back in your pants: pen pals = platonic. "When I was 15 years old, I had a 30-some-year-old gentleman that wrote me," Ms. Stroebele-Bachmeier recalled. "He wanted to get to know me better by asking me my underwear size. Right then and there, I just tore it up and threw it in the garbage."

Keep it fresh - or face the wrath. Lee Zhuang Jing, a 25-year-old Singapore woman writes to pen pals on Facebook: "I assure you that I reply … unless you write me a 50-word letter telling me what you have for breakfast everyday."

Zosia Bielski