Most of what Tina Fey says is awesome, and her take on motherhood is no exception. Here, the actor, writer, and mother of two outlines her hopes for her first-born daughter, Alice, in her autobiographical book, Bossypants, published in April 2011 by Reagan Arthur/Little Brown & Company.
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. (Photo: Fey arrives at the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards Sept. 23, 2012).
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May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. (Photo: Fey and Paul Rudd in Admission, a film from Focus Features).
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When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. (Photo: Fey and the cast of NBC’s 30 Rock).
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Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. (Photo: Fey and Liz Lemon).
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Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit. (Photo: Fey as Gov. Sarah Palin and Will Farrell as President George W. Bush during a scene of Saturday Night Live.)
Dana Edelson/The New York Times
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May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. (Photo: Hosts Fey and Amy Poehler on stage at the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards).
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Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. (Photo: Fey in Admission.)
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O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers. And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. (Photo: Fey as Liz Lemon)
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And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. (Photo: Fey as Liz Lemon)
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And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. (Photo: Fey in Admission.)
David Lee/The Associated Press
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Amen. (Photo: Fey as Liz Lemon).
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