The question
My husband has a sister he's never been particularly close to. I've always made the effort at civility particularly while their father was alive, but also because her children and our young child are each other's only first cousins. We now live several provinces apart. The past few years my sister-in-law has been posting very right-wing items on Facebook and blew up at me pretty spectacularly the one time I questioned a post, so I tread carefully and my husband has disengaged completely. We are close to our niece, however, as she goes to university in our city. My sister-in-law is coming to town to see her daughter who is returning from studies abroad and my husband is refusing to attend a party for our niece because of his sister. I feel caught in the middle. What do I do about the visit? What do I do about the relationship in general?
The answer
You say in your question your husband isn't close to his sister and you've "always made an effort at civility," leading me to believe there might be more sparking this familial friction than mere politics. But since you don't say what other issues exist, I can't really advise on that score.
Vis-à-vis the politics, though, I have a couple of thoughts.
Only spending time with people and reading things by people, who share one's opinions, politics and beliefs has a scientific name: "confirmation bias." A 2009 study suggested we spend 36 per cent more time reading an essay if it aligns with our opinions. Makes sense, but it's bad for us, I feel (one man's opinion – and obviously I'd be a hypocrite if I suggested you had to agree). Over time, "confirmation bias" means people tend to ignore or dismiss thoughts that do not affirm what they already think.
I know lots of people who only hang around with people who agree with them and are shocked when they discover a traitor in their midst. "What? How could any intelligent, compassionate person not see it our way?"
Happens to me a lot, for some reason. (Maybe because I – a man who bikes everywhere and has a goatee – "present" as a leftie but am in fact right of centre.) Gaggles of people come to my house, guzzle chardonnay and proceed merrily to agree with each other on numerous topics and assume any reasonable person within earshot would, too.
Then comes the horrible moment I can't take it any longer. I emit a dry cough, say something to the effect of: "You know, I've been biting my tongue all night long but I can't any more. And I have to say: I really don't agree with anything any of you have been saying."
Faces full of incredulity swivel toward me. During these moments, I can feel my wife's eyes burning into the side of my head (or, sometimes, her heel grinding into the top of my foot, or her fingers pinching the under-flesh of my arm).
But I don't care. I launch into it. And though it can get heated from there, me versus everyone, I think it's important to speak up for what you believe in.
The Internet only seems to exacerbate "confirmation bias." I've seen the scenario you're describing a lot, sadly: Everyone blithely assuming everyone agrees with the opinions they've expressed on their Facebook "newsfeeds" or whatever, but then someone pipes up to differ and from there the verbal diarrhea hits the digital fan. "How dare you? I'll unfriend you!"
But it doesn't have to be like that. As adults we should be able to engage in spirited, even heated, political debate without it getting all personal and acrimonious.
Basically, I think you, your husband and his sister should all get over yourselves. Have the humility to realize, when it comes to your political opinion, it's not like world leaders are going to pause before implementing a policy: "Wait. Let's check what people are saying on [your sister-in-law's name here] Facebook page first."
First, talk to your husband. He's going to skip his niece's party in a diaperful snit because he disagrees with his sister's politics? Nix. Convince him (use nice, diplomatic verbiage: as his wife I'm sure you'll know how to put it without ruffling his feathers) not to be silly and to go.
Then, when his sister comes to town, invite her for dinner. Crack a bottle of wine. If the conversation turns to politics, all the better. Relax and enjoy the cut and thrust. Maybe someone gets hot under the collar. Someone might shout, red-faced. Good! As long as it doesn't devolve into ad hominem attacks it should be fine.
(If it starts to look like it will, maybe stand down and/or change topics.)
Have fun! I love a good debate. Everyone sitting around agreeing is boring to me. You and your husband and sister-in-law may all find your assumptions questioned, your point of view challenged, and your core beliefs put to the test.
But that's a good thing, right?
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