Skip to main content

The question

Our friends are chronically late and it is making me crazy – enough so that I think we should cut off contact. My husband thinks I'm being extreme. For example, I'll show up Friday night at the appointed time and restaurant and get a large table. Meanwhile, the line builds outside the door and hostile restaurant owners are asking me: "Lady, you sure your friends are coming?" One to two hours later, the other families show up without an explanation or apology. If I host a brunch at my house for 10 o'clock, the guests stream in at 10:30, 11, 11:30 etc. My casserole is cold, no one has a chance to do my carefully planned crafts and I have to kick everyone out early because it's nap time for the kid. I know everyone is busy and kids are a challenge, but I think it comes down to basic respect for my time.

The answer

If friends of mine showed up two hours late for dinner at a busy restaurant – well, first of all, I think I'd probably be home by that point, watching TV. I'm not one for lingering over dinner.

But if somehow I were still there, having an espresso and dessert, I think I'd be more likely to laugh than chew them out: "You guys are funny! Is this April Fool's? Okay, I'm leaving now."

That's just such out-there, sci-fi rudeness – X-Files stuff. Call Mulder and Scully, I can't even wrap my head around it.

My rule of thumb, regarding restaurant lateness: Half an hour is the cut-off. After a half-hour you tell the maître d': "Looks like my friends aren't showing up after all. If you can give them 10 more minutes, I'd appreciate it. After that you can have their spots."

Want to be nice? Phone them 20 minutes in and say: "I can maybe hold your chairs another 10 minutes, but the restaurant's busy and there's a lineup, after that I gotta give 'em up."

Want to be naughty? Turn off your cellphone.

Sound harsh? I've said it before, but it bears repeating: We teach others how to treat us. And your friends are walking all over you like a welcome mat in the middle of Grand Central Station.

Someone shows up more than a half-hour late for a meeting with me, they find an empty chair.

A quick aside about cellphones. Personally, I love their walkie-talkie-like ability to keep us constantly updated as to our whereabouts, traffic conditions, whether we're running late, etc. My mother refuses to carry one, saying, "I lived for 70 years without one." Me: "That wasn't really living, Mom. That was just surviving. You never knew where anyone was or whether they were running late."

But there is a certain subspecies of social butterfly/chronic late-nik for whom the cellphone is a form of electro-crack – because it makes every appointment infinitely mutable and malleable: "Hey, Dave, I can't make 11:30, can we change it to 12:30?" Then at 12: "I'm running a little late, it's gonna be closer to 1:30," etc. Whole days can go by like this.

I turn off my phone on these types. I go to the appointed spot at the appointed time. They don't show. I call. Them: "Didn't you get my text?" Me: "No. I ordered you some wings, aren't you coming?" They're full of apology after that and usually show up on time the next time.

I miss the days when you could say to someone: "See you Tuesday at 3." And that's it: no further updates or qualifications or confirmations or emendations. Everyone just shows up Tuesday at 3.

It's more complicated when people show up late to your house. I've had people arrive more than two hours late for a dinner party.

It's shocking. (I believe in the case I'm thinking of, they'd been arguing: They were divorced soon afterward.)

My rule of thumb here: forgive one transgression. After that, you have to talk to them.

Bottom line, I think you should speak to your friends. It doesn't have to be hugely confrontational. Just when you invite them to something say: "Please be on time. The restaurant is busy." Or: "Please be on time. Brunch will be served at noon." Or whatever.

If they still show up late, you have to take it up a notch and tell them you feel disrespected.

Kids are a partial excuse, and I remember being late to quite a few things when our three boys were little. So cut your friends a little slack. But not too much. You're right that it's an issue of respect. And they should be treating you with more.

What am I supposed to do now?

Are you in a sticky situation? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com

Please keep your submissions to 150 words and include a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.

Interact with The Globe