Oh brave new year. This is, of course, R-day - the day for resolutions, most of which are dutifully born out of what we think we did wrong last year and what we intend to do better in 2010 as we plod along on our relentless quest (thanks a lot, Oprah) for self-improvement. Me, I'm looking seriously at daily sit-ups.
But why waste my limited post-New-Year's-Eve energy on my own imperfect behaviour when I can improve that of others, especially the rich, the famous, the powerful and the problematic? Everyone - even Meryl Streep, who, as every middle-aged woman knows, is the icon of perfection - could benefit from a New Year's resolution.
But most of the high and mighty gave their resolution writers the day off, so here at Resolutions R U I've been working overtime on their behalf. Personalities and media titans of the modern world, your vows are ready for the reading:
Stephen Harper While proroguing Parliament and muzzling ministers has been personally rewarding, not to mention really fun, this year I will try to learn a novel concept. It's called Democracy, derived from the Greek word demokratia (I looked it up on Wiki), used to describe certain political systems that came into being "after a popular uprising." Hmm. Hopefully I will absorb this concept before "a popular uprising" takes place here.
Also, before the Throne Speech in March, I'm thinking another concert, only this time playing a Stones song ( Time Is On My Side ) with The Arrogant Worms as back-up. Talk about refining your message!
Michael Ignatieff In 2010, when the "e" word (election) rears its ugly head, I will slavishly repeat my new mantra: Timing is Everything. Also, for every percentage point I slip in the polls, I'll throw another staffer under the bus. That tough enough for ya? And if my old pal Bob Rae says he's meeting friends for drinks in a hotel bar, I will definitely tag along. I'll even buy.
Peter MacKay I will take to heart every scintilla of evidence in a new, updated version of Barbara Coloroso's book The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander , "from preschool to high school to parliamentary committees on Afghan detainees."
Richard Colvin I will write shorter bombshell memos so that the bombshell is evident by the third paragraph.
Nobel Peace Prize Committee Perhaps ve develop new criteria, ja?
CNN We will cut the self-congratulatory crap ("the best political team in television"), nix the cutesy mindless slogans ("we're watching it all so you don't have to") and take a hubris hint (there is only one "situation room," it belongs to the President and it has nothing to do with Wolf Blitzer.)
CBC Newsworld, er, Canadian News Network We resolve to stop CNN-ifying our news. We'd never dream of naming a program The Situation Room . (Besides, the name was taken.) We will remember Margaret Atwood's maxim about how to tell if you're Canadian: If there's a fork in the road and one sign says Heaven and the other says Panel Discussion on Heaven, well, you know where the Canadians will go. Right to the At Issue panel.
Jim Balsillie Forget buying NHL teams; I need to acquire a better tech team. No more outages!
Conrad Black I will be patient, I will be gracious, and above all I will be humble as I await my U.S. Supreme Court victory, I mean verdict.
Brian Mulroney With any luck, Mr. Justice Oliphant will have writer's block until spring and then some other juicy scandal will hog the headlines when his report on my little lapse of judgment comes out. Meanwhile, I will continue writing the next volume of my memoirs: Karlheinz, I Hardly Knew Ye .
David Letterman When my wife starts speaking to me again, and let me tell you it isn't this frosty Friday, I will tell her: "Look, it could have been worse; you could have been married to Tiger Woods."
Tiger Woods: I've decided to go with my inner Bad Boy. So can you, uh, please take my name off your resolution list? My wife - and her lawyer - may be reading it.
Octomom I will star in a new reality show about getting my tubes tied. Call it Eggs Over, Easy .
And finally, to prove that even perfection can be improved upon:
Meryl Streep: I will achieve world cultural domination by starring in a blockbuster vampire movie. I will play the vampire, I will play the gorgeous young girl AND I will play the male lead. And when I stand up to receive my multiple Oscars, I will charmingly giggle and say, "Middle-aged women, they've got so much ENERGY, you gotta love us."
Happy New Year. Here come the sit-ups.