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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than four years. Until this year we were dating long-distance as we were at university in different cities. In school he became very good friends with four of his classmates, one of whom is a girl. They frequently went out together for drinks alone. There has never been anything to be suspicious about: I would never think that he is unfaithful to me. I do, however, think she is a little clingy with him, even though she has a boyfriend, and feel that she is in love with him deep down. My problem is I accepted her place in his life when I was away at school as somewhat of a replacement for me, but we have recently moved in together and he has started going out with her again. It makes me feel uncomfortable that she infringes on my territory. How can I learn to relax and not let his relationship with her bother me?

Don't trust them

Do not relax. Remain vigilant. Infidelity does not necessarily include physical intimacy. Even "just friends" can carry things too far when alcohol is consumed and conversation becomes flirtatious. If your boyfriend is truly "just friends" with this woman, he should not object to your going along when they go out for drinks. Ask him how he would feel if you went out with a male friend, alone, for drinks. For the good of your relationship, and hers with her boyfriend, he should break off all contact with her and, in the future, not become close to any woman other than a relative.

- Peggy Forde, Mississauga

Maybe it's you

Are you looking for an excuse to push aside rational fears about this woman that you have sensed because you actually see your boyfriend every day now? Or are you just uncomfortable because you resent this symbol of stability in his life at a time when you are having to make a lot of adjustments to a new place? (I assume you moved to his city, since his friend is still around.) Try to join your boyfriend on his outings with her and try to make friends, then see what kind of vibe you're getting.

- Freddie Bullard, Toronto

Time to double date

Let's face it: After four years, you're basically married. I don't think you have to push your feelings down inside - you have a right to feel uncomfortable. You have to talk to your boyfriend about it. Of course he is free to do as he pleases, but he needs to know how it makes you feel. If he really cares about you he'll choose to either put an end to the meetings or (probably the best solution) invite you and the other girl's boyfriend along for a double date. If he can't agree to this then I think you have a problem.

- Lea Nak, Montreal

The Final Word

Dear Territorial,

A splinter, a slip of the tongue, a tight pair of pants: also "uncomfortable." When we are pricked, tied or trapped by one of the aforementioned offenders, we correct it. Unfortunately, the human heart and its broad swipe at relationships is much more mysterious and less easily tamed. It is a fickle mechanism. It resists herding. Most important, the only one who can draw borders around its thumping unruliness - despite even the most graceful interference - is its owner.

Your boyfriend has a friendship with a woman that has lasted as long as your relationship. From your perspective, she was a stand-in while you were away. Though you suspected that she was "in love with him deep down" and "a little clingy," you were decidedly unthreatened by her presence.

Now, your circumstances have changed. You have crossed miles, unpacked your bags and melded your towels and cutlery with his. You have bought plants, local art and changed your mailing address. You are, after years of separateness, finally cohabitating; as such, there is no longer need for a double. She is superfluous. The play is overpopulated; both the star and her understudy are performing. One must be ousted from the stage - or territory.

Tragically, for Do Not Relax Forde, every lover is a lie-detector test; only a sister or cousin (second cousin too?) is safe. Her paranoia is so close to a bedroom McCarthyism, it does not warrant further address. (I am sending a knight on horseback to her floodlit fortress right now.)

Every man and every woman has the right to exclusive friendship with members of the opposite sex. That said, relationships only survive with insistent transparency, the unfaltering admission of every truth - however difficult its utterance.

As Double Date Nak counsels: Talk to your boyfriend. Confess your splinter. Invite him to clarify the scope of the friendship. Make Friends Bullard's advice achieves the same outcome: Dismantle the threat by befriending the threat.

In the end, the only question you really need to answer is: Do you trust your boyfriend? If yes, Territorial, do not claim his heart as your own. Experience tells me one per person is plenty.

Next week's question

Click here to read next week's question and to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)

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Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books in April. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.

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