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Okay, look. A lot of you appear to be surprised and somewhat dismayed by the fact that we, the governing party, routinely grant special access to people who have deep pockets. You know, lavish yet intimate dinner parties at up to $20,000 per plate. They provide a chance to bend the ear of the leader or a cabinet minister over a beautifully prepared multicourse dinner with artisanal cocktails.

What you may not know is that this is not limited to super-rich chief executive officers and business tycoons with money to burn. Oh no, average British Columbian. You can also get in on the "cash for access" party for as little as a hundred bucks. Seriously, what does a hundred dollars even buy these days?

In the interest of transparency and open government (because as you know, we are committed to that), the following is a list of just what sort of access is available – for a price. And hey, it's all legal.

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Please take the time to peruse our menu of options, and select something in your price range. Custom opportunities are also available.

  • Tweet mentioning you: $100
  • Tweet mentioning you using your handle or preferred hashtag: $200
  • Tweet including link to your business/startup/crowdfunding page: $400
  • Facebook post with positive mention of your business: $500
  • Facebook post with positive mention and photo of leader/minister standing in front of your business: $700
  • Tweet of leader holding a Rolf Harris – At the Cave LP purchased from your collectible store: Note: This item no longer available.
  • Facebook post featuring short video of leader praising you for creating good jobs for the hard workin’ people of British Columbia: $2,000 (half-price if you can link the jobs to liquefied natural gas).
  • 40-second exclusive access elevator ride with leader: $2,200
  • Photo of leader with your child’s peewee league sports team: $2,500
  • Photo of leader pretending to participate in actual children’s sporting event: $2,700
  • Photo of leader wearing your semi-professional team jersey: $3,000; professional teams: $6,000
  • Photo of leader in your professional team jersey accompanied by quote in which opposing team is referred to as “princesses”: $8,000
  • Photo of leader wearing reflective vest and hard hat bearing your company logo: $8,000
  • Photo of leader wearing reflective vest and hard hat bearing your company logo standing beside company executives and staring at indecipherable blueprint or topographical map looking very concerned and attentive: $9,000
  • Photo of leader pretending to operate heavy equipment bearing your company logo: $10,000

(Please note: all photos listed above will be posted to no more than three social media sites. Add 50 per cent if you would like photo posted to official government or party website.)

  • Leader attending your cultural festival/parade: $10,000
  • Photo of leader clad in culturally appropriate attire attending your cultural festival or parade: $12,000
  • Short video clip of leader inexplicably identifying as a member of your cultural or ethnic group: $15,000
  • Buffet-style dinner with leader, 150 to 200 guests: $3,000 per person
  • Cocktail reception with leader, 50 to 100 guests: $5,000 per person
  • Formal, sit-down invitation-only dinner with leader, maximum 20 guests: $20,000 per person
  • The following opportunities are available to a select few who can provide valuable in-kind services:
  • Appointment to newly created, semi-fictional office that has some tenuous connection to the LNG industry and pays a six-figure annual stipend: no set price but available for an 11th-hour election endorsement or equivalent.
  • Appointment to vaguely defined and rarely noticed Asian trade post with annual salary of $150,000 per year (plus travel and expenses): not available for purchase but available to MLAs willing to step aside in safe seats in the event that the leader fails to win her own seat.

Ministerial options

  • Lift from ferry terminal to legislature with Transportation Minister (providing about eight minutes of one-on-one face time with minister, who will be driving): $4,000
  • Attorney-General visiting your licensed establishment or grocery store for liquor-related public announcement: $5,000 (half-price if liquor-related announcement can be tied to the LNG industry).
  • Photo of Attorney-General hoisting a glass bearing your company logo in your microbrewery/microdistillery: $7,000

(Please note: Minister availability is limited to no more than 18 liquor-related announcements per day.)

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