Pierre Poutine, you're no Dudley Do-Right. Reveal yourself!
Spare us this rare moment of bizarre Canadiana, spending far too much time trying to discover your identity all the while suffering the fallout from your demon dialing. When you existed in curd form we only needed to fear for our arteries; now our entire body politic is being poisoned.
While a multitude of Canadian comedians are no doubt singing the hallelujah chorus at your arrival on the national stage, I personally hope your impact is as lasting as a Kardashian marriage. You do, after all, live on Separatist Street so perhaps you will crumble.
But who are you, Pierre Poutine? And what were you up to last spring during our federal election? I never thought I'd pose that question in the cold light of day, even if by chance I'd spent a night partying with Charlie Sheen.
While I too welcome the humour you have injected into the robo-call controversy, I'd prefer you to be an obscure question in an updated version of Trivial Pursuit – not a chapter in a Canadian history book.
Do us all a favour: Come forward and tell your story. Who knows, you could get a role on next year's Redemption Inc. That Canadian drama has your rehab story written all over it.