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Mayor Rob Ford throws candy into the crowds during the 107th annual Santa Claus Parade

Matthew Sherwood for the Globe and Mail/matthew sherwood The Globe and Mail

To: Karen Kain, Artistic Director, National Ballet of Canada

From: Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto

Dear Karen,

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Thrilled and excited to appear in the ballet this year. The script you sent over is absolutely amazing. I'm just confused about one little thing: Where are all the lines?

No one says anything. Am I missing something?

Below, you'll see a couple tweaks/improvements:

First, why are the kids called Clara and Fritz? I know weird names are trendy and all, but this feels like an invitation to bullies. Why don't we set an example and come up with names that sound a little more "normal"…

At the opening of Scene 1, the family is gathered in the parlour decorating the Christmas tree. Why not have the family hang out in the TV room? That way, you could show live sports on an actual TV so that all the bored dads in the audience will have something to watch. (And if there isn't any dialogue, the live play-by-play won't be a problem.)

Okay, this just came to me now: Let's name the kids Brianna and Cole instead of Clara and Fritz. What do you think?

Not sure I get the whole "godfather" character. First of all, why would a mafia don being handing out magic gifts all of a sudden? And why would a mafia don be named Herr Drosselmeyer? Here's a better idea. How about the gifts get handed out by "Uncle Dougie," who pulls up in a big SUV with the third row of seats folded down to make room for all the presents? (I know just the guy to play the part!)

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Also, why would Uncle Dougie give Brianna a nutcracker? Talk about lame. (I once gave a six-year-old a set of Ginsu steak knives. Big mistake…)

Now for my one serious issue: Why is The Nutcracker named after a weird kitchen utensil? Imagine for a moment if Hollywood came out with this awesome holiday movie that had epic battles and toy soldiers that come to life and giant Christmas trees. Now imagine they called it The Potato Ricer. No wonder you guys need funding…

LOVE the battle scene! It's the high point for sure. But why are the toy soldiers fighting mouse people? I get that they're filthy parasitic vermin and all, but we need to update this for a modern audience. How about instead of fighting mice, the soldiers fight zombie union goons? (Also, it would be funny if the zombie union goons lose the battle because half of them don't show up due to being on sick leave. Just an idea!)

Act II is super boring. It definitely needs a battle scene.

Last question: The Sugar Plum Fairy – is he an, um, dude? Because I don't feel comfortable dancing with a person who's chosen that lifestyle. Also, I just looked at the calendar and realized I'm spending this weekend at the cottage with family, like I do every year. But I can send Frances Nunziata in my place.


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Yours sincerely,

The Mayor

Special to The Globe and Mail

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