Who's the next Mike Holmes? Mike Holmes wants to find out. The GTA's DIY superstar aired his latest show this week, Canada's Handyman Challenge (HGTV), in which 12 amateur builders from across the country hang windows and caulk bathtubs to determine who can "make it right." In this Globe T.O. exclusive, we bring you local audition clips of the would-be handymen who couldn't.
Clip 1 – Joe from Newmarket
A nervous handyman in dark overalls and wearing a dust mask is lectured by Mike Holmes.
Mike Holmes [frustrated] This is one of the most common things I see: A handyman who goes into people's homes to check for mould without even checking his own equipment.
Holmes rips the handyman's dust mask off his face, looks at it and shakes his head. He holds the interior up to the camera. It is flecked with dark spots – deadly mould.
Joe from Newmarket: I… I… I …
Mike Holmes: How long have you been wearing this thing?
Joe from Newmarket: Twenty minutes.
Mike Holmes: Be honest.
Joe from Newmarket [swallows nervously] Three years.
Mike Holmes: How can you make a bathroom or garage right when you can't even make your own equipment right?
Clip 2 – Dave from Brampton
A nervous handyman in dark overalls is lectured by Mike Holmes.
Mike Holmes [frustrated] All you guys think you've got what it takes to be a celebrity handyman, but you're all missing the most crucial piece of the puzzle: You have to look like the sixth member of The Village People.
Dave from Brampton: I… I… I…
Mike Holmes [disappointed] Where's your wife beater? Why aren't your overalls a size too small? Your drill is drowning in that holster – you want a tight-fitting sleeve that the drill can bulge up against. And just look at how baggy your crotch is – you want to fill that void with spray-foam insulation, which will also boost your R-value.
Holmes picks up a nail gun and pierces the handyman's ear.
Mike Holmes [to the camera] Because when it comes to non-scripted television shows in the "shelter" category, making it right means making it just a teeny bit gay.
Clip 3 – Ron from Mimico
A nervous handyman in dark overalls is lectured by Mike Holmes.
Mike Holmes [frustrated] What's the difference between a handyman with his own TV show and one who's trying to get one?
Ron from Mimico: I… I… I…
Mike Holmes: The newbie does work in a home that was properly built in the first place.
Holmes inspects a tastefully renovated suburban kitchen.
Mike Holmes [disgusted] It's the most basic rookie mistake. Just have a look around…the outlets are grounded. The grout work on the backsplash is superb. Aw, you gotta be kidding me. The overhang on this granite countertop is textbook.
Holmes angrily rips down a panel of ceiling drywall to reveal…nothing.
Mike Holmes [visibly angry] The thing that really gets me about these contractors is they come in here, they do decent work, and then poof! – they're gone. What about the handyman who's trying to get his own TV show? What about the viewer who wants to see that handyman boil over with anger over shoddy workmanship? Do they care?
Getting on a stepladder, Holmes places his level atop the kitchen cabinets. The bubble floats precisely between the two black lines.
Mike Holmes: You can't make it right if it's already right to begin with.
Special to The Globe and Mail