Skip to main content

This week, The Washington Post reported that a fake Time magazine cover featuring President Donald Trump's face graces or has graced the walls of many of his properties.

It's a very shoddy fake. The layout is off and there's a cover line so gushy it would make In Touch blush. With tellingly un-Time-like, very Trump-like excitement, the pretend Time announces that "The 'Apprentice' Is A Television Smash!" and "TRUMP IS HITTING ON ALL FRONTS … EVEN TV!"

That's right, Trump is "hitting" on "EVEN TV!," that pinnacle of human excellence, a place in which only the best and the brightest pretend to run businesses managed by the celebrities of yesteryear. The fake Time cover is an important reminder that the President of the United States' old job was pretending to fire Gary Busey.

As The Washington Post notes, Trump has legitimately appeared on the cover of many magazines, including Time and other "less-prominent titles." Here they listed Fairways + Greens followed by TV Guide Canada, both of which hang alongside the fake Time in the pro shop of Mr. Trump's resort in Doral, Fla.

I imagine this must be awkward for you, America, but try to not focus on the ever-growing mound of embarrassing evidence that, thanks to you, or at least your electoral college, the most narcissistic man in the world is also the most powerful.

There's no point in obsessing over the fact that a man who again this week denounced most of your media as "FAKE NEWS" and "A Fake News Joke!" in the (equally bizarrely capitalized) case of The New York Times, sends literal fake news out to the framers. Try instead to think of this as an opportunity for unprecedented direct access to the President of the United States and use that influence for good.

Better things may yet come to pass for your country, America, unless that TV Guide Canada cover also turns out to also be fake, in which case it might just be time to call this whole "United States" thing off. No union is perfect enough to withstand that kind of humiliation. But in the meanwhile, here's my plan, please try it. Together we can harness that vanity for the good of mankind. It appears to be one hell of a renewable resource – why, it's like the sun shines out of his …

Ask yourself: Is there a better way offered here to save the endangered northern spotted owl the Republicans seem to hate so much? Forget pleading the value of protecting the United States' natural heritage. Why bother when you can just Sticky Tack a Scientific American cover to a Mar-a-Lago wall with the headline "Very Handsome Owl Bears Remarkable Resemblance To President Trump. Scientist With Best Brain Says 'It's Uncanny, Like Having A Copy Of His Beautiful Face Plastered On Every Tree' " printed very large?

Concerned about the EPA's decision to allow the use of chlorpyrifos pesticides on food?

With other presidents, you could lay out a compelling case that the chemical interferes with the brain development of infants and fetuses, back it up with a public campaign. Now you have an exciting opportunity to leave a copy of Business Insider featuring the shocking quote "Dow Chemical CEO Andrew N. Liveris: 'Yeah, his hands do look kinda small' " on its cover on the seat of a presidential golf cart and wait for the magic.

Worried about climate change because it's happening, or just want to see America get in on the ground floor of a growing green-energy sector because that's a good idea? Try leaving an issue of Saveur promising "FIVE BEAUTIFUL CAKE RECIPES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR VERY SMART FRIENDS SAY 'COAL PROBABLY ISN'T A GROWTH INDUSTRY' " on top of the President's TV remote.

And don't feel compelled to limited yourself to magazines that are "in print" or even "actually exist."

Trying to explain that studies show that both undocumented and legal immigrants commit fewer crimes than native-born Americans, or appealing to a basic human decency by suggesting that "tearing apart families is bad," will likely not be very effective with this administration. However, the words "'Illegals' Gone From All Parts Of Country … Even This High School! No Need For Ice Agents To Harass Students!!" shouted from the cover of Really Cool Successful People With Great Big Hands Who Are Better Presidents Than Obama Monthly might be very successful.

Fiscal conservative? Just not a fan of bizarre racist infrastructure projects? Relax. Who needs to actually build a big, expensive and expensive-to-maintain border wall when, for just $19.99 a month, you can get yourself an Adobe Creative Cloud subscription and tell the leader of the free world it's already been done.

To a man with Trump's level of curiosity and squeamishness about travel, reading the headline "LOOK AT THIS BIG WALL. SO SOLAR! PAYING FOR ITSELF!" splashed out on the cover of 100% Non-Imaginary Construction Digest is worth a thousand actually-seeing-the-wall-with-his-own-eyes.

Concerned the United States is abandoning its geopolitical responsibilities to the benefit of its historical enemies? When the adults in the room can't cut it, can't make the case, maybe a copy of Foreign Policy with "Vladimir Putin On Hot Mic: 'Gold Leaf Is Just Sooo Tacky, I Bet A Guy Who Loves Gold Leaf Would Never Be Virile Enough To Stop Me Annexing The Baltic States' " in large bold text on its cover will do the trick.

Evidence suggests that Donald Trump, the real, no-kidding President of the United States of America may be as satisfied by poorly forged achievements as with actual success, which opens up the door to what might be the world's first life-saving Photoshop.

Get the headline "Millions Without Insurance, Countless Dying In Poverty Of Treatable Illnesses, Obama Feeling Like A Total Loser!!!" on the cover of #AmazonWashingtonPost (right under their slogan "Everything is fine. Democracy has great night vision!") and, America, you might just be able to slip through single-payer health care while he's distracted.